5 Good Reasons…

10 Aug

5 Good Reasons I Should Be Cast As Anastasia Steele in the 50 Shades of Gray Movie

1.  I drive a dangerous car


This is Rocket.  Sure, Rocket’s been in ditches, snow storms, and fender benders.  But she was mine and I loved her!  Just like Ana’s old Beatle, there’s no seperating us from our cars!  Spoiler Alert:  Car and Girl are seperated.

2.  I’m a cheap drunk.


Like most classy bitches, I get drunk after two, three glasses of chilled wine that a man sips out of my belly button. 

3.  I’m not uncomfortable being handcuffed


Whether it’s sexually, criminally, or just because I made a terrible mistake, I’m okay with being bound. 

4.  I Make Bad Decisions


This is Cory.  He’s in the Hell’s Angels.  I went down a dark ally with him to take this picture. Worth it!

5.  Sometime I Need To Be Reminded To Eat







A Big Huge Thank You!

9 Jul

Hey, I won “Runner-up, Best Young Comedian (Female)” from The Examiner.  Thank you to everyone who voted!  And congratulations to Jenny Z!


Gold In Cleveland

6 Jun

If you’ve ever met me you would know that I’m sweet, compassionate, driven, and OBSESSED with The Golden Girls.  If I could go on forever and ever talking about one topic that would be it.  And lucky for me, my unfulfilled need for new and exciting adventures staring Betty White didn’t have to end on May 9th, 1992 with the series finale of the Golden Girls.  On June 16th, 2010 TV Land premiered it’s first original series, “Hot In Cleveland.”  And there you had it, an entire new world for Betty White to explore as Elka Ostrovsky.  Except upon watching it, as much as I do ADORE the show, it did give me a sense of deja vu.  I thought a few of the episodes that had similarities to episodes of The Golden Girls.  I will share these with you now…

I’m Obsessed With Shopping in Bulk

Hot in Cleveland Season 1, Episode 2 “Who’s Your Mama?” June 23rd, 2010…  Victoria goes to a Costco’s type store called, “Big n Easy” throughout the entire episode.

Golden Girls Season 5, Episode 4 “Rose Fights Back” Oct. 21st, 1989…  Sophia gets a membership to “Shopper’s Warehouse” and buys a lifetime supply of toothbrushes, sardines, and oatmeal cookies.

He Used To Be in the Mob

Hot in Cleveland Season 2 Episode 1 “Free Elka” January 19th, 2011…  The women find that Elka has been hiding stolen goods in her basement collected by her late husband.

Golden Girls Season 6 Episode 15 “Miles To Go” Jan. 19th, 1991… Rose’s boyfriend Miles confesses that he is in the witness protection program due to the fact that he was an accountant for the mafia, and a mobster named The Cheese Man.

My Prison Pen Pal is Paroled

Hot In Cleveland Season 2 Episode 12 “How I Met My Mother” June 22, 2011…  Victoria writes to a prisoner as Joy.  She comes clean about doing this because she finds out he’s being let out of prison.

Golden Girls Season 5 Episode 13 “Mary Had  A Little Lamb” January 6th, 1990…  Blanche is harmlessly writing romantic letters to a prisoner.  His most recent letter reveals that he is being paroled and is on his way to meet her.

My Late Husband Has A Secret Illegitimate Son

Hot In Cleveland Season 2 Episode 16 “Dancing Queens” July 20th, 2011… Elka bumps into an old friend who betrayed her by sleeping with Elka’s husband on a camping trip.  The son of her friend has Elka’s late husband’s eyes.

Golden Girls Season 5 Episode 18 “Illegitimate Concern” February 12th, 1990…  Blanche believes she has a stalked with a love interest, until she confronts him about his lurking ways.  He reveals to her that he is following her to find out more about his biological father, Blanche’s late husband.

Her Book Is About Me!

Hot In Cleveland Season 2 Episode 17 “The Emmy Show” July 27th, 2011…  Victoria’s daughter played by Jennifer Love Hewitt, comes into town to get dirt on Victoria for the new tell-all book she is writing.

Golden Girls Season 5 Episode 21 “Sisters and Other Strangers” March 3rd, 1990…  Blanche’s sister invites Blanche to a book signing for her new racy romance novel.  After reading it, Blanche finds most of the story a little too familiar.  The book reflects her own love escapades!

My Husband Faked His Death

Hot In Cleveland Season 2 Episode 22 “Elka’s Wedding” August 31, 2011…  During the ceremony of Elka’s big day, men from her past keep running into the church to interrupt.  The most surprising of the exes, Elka’s late husband.

Golden Girls Season 6 Episode 9 “Mrs. George Devereaux” November 17th, 1990…  Being wooed by yet another suitor, Blanche agrees to meet her secret admirer.  She is shocked and disgusted to find out it is her late husband, back from the dead.

I Thought This Cop Was A Stripper

Hot In Cleveland Season 2 Episode 22 “Elka’s Wedding” August 31, 2011…  Victoria opens the door to a cop asking her to move her car, and she assumes it is the stripper they called for Elka’s bachelorette party.

Golden Girls Season 6 Episode 17 “There Goes The Bride (Part 2)” February 9, 1991… Blanche hires a stripper for Dorothy’s bachelorette party.  When a cop shows up to tell them to quiet down, she honks him on the rump and turns on the sexy music.

You Haven’t Sky Dived Before?

Hot In Cleveland Season 3 Episode 4 “Happy Fat” December 21, 2011…  Trying to keep their romance alive, Elka takes her boyfriend Roy sky diving.  Roy is surprised to find out this is also Elka’s first time.

Golden Girls Season 6 Episode 13 “The Bloom is Off The Rose” January 5, 1991…  Trying to keep their relationship from getting boring, Rose convinces Miles to go sky diving.  Miles is surprised to find out this is also Rose’s first time.

You Fire Our Maid… No, YOU Fire Our Maid!

Hot In Cleveland Season 3 Episode 16 “Everything Goes Better With Vampires” March 28th, 2012… Rita Perlman guest stars as a terrible maid the girls hire to clean their house.  No one wants to be the one to fire her.

Golden Girls Season 3 Episode 4 “The Housekeeper” October 17th, 1987…  The girls fire their maid, who they believe put a curse on them to get revenge.

We Need To Save This Tree!

Hot In Cleveland Season 3 Episode 20 “The Gateway Friend” May 2nd, 2012…  Elka moves into a tree to prevent it from being cut down.  As she says, there is beauty in things that grow old naturally.

Golden Girls Season 2 Episode 4 “It’s A Miserable Life” November 1st, 1986…  The girls get everyone in their neighborhood to sign a petition to save the tree.  Everyone except the nasty old women whose property is home to the beautiful old tree.

Uh Oh, This Lesbian Has a Crush On Me

Hot In Cleveland Season 3 Episode 2 “Beards” December 7th, 2011… Rumors of Victoria being a lesbian lands her a spot as a speaker on a lesbian cruise ship where Sandra Bernhard falls for Melanie.

Golden Girls Season Season 2 Episode 5 “Isn’t It Romantic?” November 8th, 1986…  Dorothy’s friend from college comes to visit and spends some quality time with Rose.  Blanche is very upset to find out she wasn’t Jean’s pick for love interest.

While of course I couldn’t bring up all the original stories Hot In Cleveland does, they are there.  It’s a fantastic show.  In fact, it might be my favorite show that is currently on TV.  If you haven’t seen it yet, definitely catch an episode.  Wednesday Nights on TV Land.  And if you haven’t seen the Golden Girls, well, uh… what have you been doing?

My Top Ten Comedic TV Roles For Women

28 Mar


Chrissy Snow

Three’s Company

Played by Suzanne Somers

Yes, she was a blonde dits in short shorts.  But Suzanne Somers did women a huge service during her time as Chrissy on the hit sitcom, Three’s Company.  The show’s producers thought that after Somers left the show, they could pick up where she left off with another blonde bimbo.  Little did they know, none of the actresses who came after Somers accomplished even close to her abilty to deliver comedic lines.  Somers’ timing and expressions is what made her the best blonde  for the job.  And she proved that no women, no matter what hair color, should be considered interchangeable.

“[When I was fired from Three’s Company], a producer said to the ABC people, “She’s a blonde. I trained her, I’ll train another one,” like I was some sort of seal … [But] a comedy is musical. It took me two years to understand the rhythm, the beat, the timing, but once I heard the music, oh, my God, I so got it.”


Peggy Bundy

Married With Children

Played by Katey Sagal

On one of the most misogynistic shows ever to be on television, Sagal held it all together as Al Bundy’s horny lazy wife, Peg.  With so many insults being hurled her way, Peggy was able to knock each one of them right back at Al head on.  According to the True Hollywood Story, the casting directors were looking for a Roseanne Barr type to play the role.  But when it came time for her audition, Sagal walked in wearing platform heals, skin tight leggings, and a leopard top.  She dawned full hair and makeup, proving that white trash didn’t have to look low class.

In addition to being quick witted, she was also a complete horn dog.  In opposition with television’s norm, this mother of two was always begging (and being turned down) for sex.  Some might even argue, “Al, let’s have sex!”  became a catch phrase.


Nina Van Horn

Just Shoot Me

Played by Wendie Malick

Beautiful, materialistic, and an unintentional bitch.  All these describe Nina Van Horn, model for Blush Magazine.  In an already strong ensemble, Malick delivered an extremely amusing portrayal of today’s top models.  While she always meant well, Nina’s first priority was always, well, Nina.  Wendie Malick is still entertaining us as Soap Opera Actress Victoria Chase on her new hit sitcom Hot In Cleveland which aires Wednesdays on TV Land.



Punky Brewster

Played By Soleil Moon Frye

The orphan with the crazy name and the bright high tops, Soleil Moon Frye introduced us to Punky Brewster.  The first on our list to be the protagonist on her own show, Punky was loving, thoughtful, and most importantly– She was funny!  She was also a total badass.  No one messed with her, her family or her friends.  Not even a refrigerator.

Punky was a role model for young girls teaching them to “just say no” to drugs.  She was an animal advocate standing by her dog Brandon through thick and thin.  And with her vests, tights, and bandannas she also became a fashion icon representing the 90s pretty freakin’ well.


Topanga Lawrence

Boy Meets World

Played by Danielle Fishel

She was a feminist!  She was probably one of the first self proclaimed feminists most young girls of my generation  saw on television.  She was weird, and it was awesome.  Topanga didn’t care what anyone else thought of her because she had self confidence.  This girl could draw lipstick on her face, cut off half her hair, be so fat people thought she was pregnant and still get her man.  She got her man, she got into Yale, and she was accepted for an internship at a competitive law firm in New York.  This girl had it all.  Plus, she was funny.  Topanga didn’t let anything get in her way, including a teacher who sexually harassed her.  She knew as the victim she wasn’t to blame and spoke up about what she had gone through because she knew unless she did something, it would keep happening to other women.


Edith Bunker

All In The Family

Played by Jean Stapleton

Everybody’s favorite Dingbat, Mrs. Archie Bunker!  She was incredible.  It is nearly impossible not to even crack a smile when you see this delightful woman come trotting into the living room from the kitchen.  Her life was presumably simple.  Cook the dinner, clean the dishes, do the shopping.  But beyond the typical chores of a 1970s housewife Edith had many controversial topics brewing.  She had a breast cancer scare, a daughter considering abortion, and she even escaped from a rapist.  I love Edith Bunker, her relationship with Archie was one of the most charming on television.


Fran Fine

The Nanny

Played by Fran Drescher

The laugh that shook Wednesday nights on CBS.  Ms Fine!  What can I say?  She had style, she had flare, and that’s how she become #4 on my list.  This character had such an amazing balance of self confidence, integrity, and attitude weighed with self deprecation.  For seven seasons Fran chased two things– love, and Barbara Streisand, Queen of the Jews.  Fran proved that being a strong funny female lead didn’t mean you had to be ditsy, or unattractive.  According to Fran, all you need in life is a tight skirt, a Shades of the Orient Make Up Case, and some good timing.  And maybe a box of Entiment for when the times are tough.


Elaine Benes


Played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Elaine brought a whole lot to a show about nothing.  This woman was one bad chick you did not want to mess with.  She was sharp, beautiful, and played nobody’s straight man.  With her wall of hair and little kicks, Elaine Benes fought her way through awful bosses to well, prison by the end.  In any event, Elaine has definitely left a lasting impression, and is in my hall of fame for women in comedic roles.  And if you don’t agree…


Lucy McGillicuddy Ricardo

I Love Lucy

Lucille Ball

Do I really even have to say it?  Lucille Ball is a comedic icon and a master of misunderstanding.  Her career is nearly unmatchable and the respect and adornment she receives from the public is massive.  Whether Lucy is choking down Vitameatavegamin, chowing down on conveyor belt chocolates, or just trying to understand her husband’s Cuban accent, Lucy’s show was perfectly titled.  We all loved Lucy!


Sophia Petrillo

The Golden Girls

Played by Estelle Getty

Don’t act surprised.  Okay, you can act a little surprised.  As much as I would have love to use (and be able to back up) all the Golden Girls, I had to go with Sophia on this one.  I made this choice for one simple reason, this white haired old lady is an icon.  For those unlucky ones who have never even seen an episode of The Golden Girls, you know this face.  And you know something absolutely classic is about to come out of her mouth.  Like seeing the Pepsi Logo and becoming thirsty, at the sight of this face you can’t help but chuckle.

Before Golden Girls, Estelle Getty was mainly a stage actress performing in comedies on Broadway.  When her big TV break came along, she was already sixty two years old.  Not exactly what most casting directors were looking for those days.  Although Estelle was the second youngest of all the Golden Girls, she became a representative for the elderly.  Showing that elderly people could still have active sex lives, help their community by doing volunteer and charity work, and most importantly– make friends.

Think someone was left off the list?  Comment and let me know!

Are You Stacked?

27 Mar

Comedians tend to have a lot in common with one another.  They share the same fears, same frustrations, and a lot of the same dreams and goals.  You hear the same ones over and over.  Being on Johnny Carson was always a big one.  Being on SNL I’ve heard at least a dozen times.  And then there’s the one honor I covet the most; having a sitcom.

We’ve all heard of Seinfeld and The Drew Carey Show, but I bet a lot of people don’t know Ellen Degeneres had a sitcom for five seasons.  Lenny Clarke had his own show on CBS, too.  And those are just a couple of the lucky stand up comedians who got a chance to star in their own prime time show. 

Then there’s the handful (or should I say fistfull!) of Playboy Playmates with sitcom credits under their belt.  Jenny McCarthy had Jenny in 1997.  Nikki Cox had Nikki in 2000.  And then there’s my favorite:  Pamela Anderson starred in Stacked which premiered on Fox in 2005.

The premise of the show follows the life of Skyler Dayton (portrayed by Anderson), a bombshell party girl similar to, well, Pamela Anderson.  Sick of her boyfriend’s cheating ways, Skyler breaks it off and wanders into a bookstore ironically called Stacked.  It’s ironic because she has big huge tits, and it’s a book store.  Skyler is in search for a self help book about relationships.

The book store is owned by brothers Gavin and Stewart.  Gavin is a failed writer, and Stewert is his equally nerdy yet more in denial partner in the business.  The staff consists of one other person; Katrina, who runs the cafe in the book store.  The ensemble is completed by the presense of Harold, a retired NASA scientist played by the familiar and talented Christopher Lloyd.  The show lasted only two seasons.

I.LOVE.THIS.SHOW.  I don’t know what it is, but I think it’s so funny.  I think the plot lines are original, the cast is believable and I kind of hate myself about it.  It kills me when comedic male roles go to comedians, and comedic female roles do not go to comedians.  Whaddup wit dat?  Believe me, I’m the first to admit, “She shouldn’t have a show, *I* should have a show!”  But I don’t know, something about Pam’s comic timing… I just really love her as the ringleader in this circus of a book store. 

If the actresses from the Golden Girls have credited anyone for the show’s success, it’s the writers.  Even to this day if you asked Betty White what made Golden Girls a hit time and time again she would tell you it was the magnificent talent of the show’s writers.  Steven Levitan, head writer on Stacked (19 episodes), also wrote for Modern Family and Just Shoot Me.  Two shows I enjoy very very much, and who also give strong comedic roles to women.

So if it is the writing which makes Stacked a hit (in my mind) then did it need Pamela Anderson?  Could it have been as amusing with a comedian as it’s lead?  Is the show fueled by Anderson’s star power?

Another aspect I find entertaining of the show is the guest stars.  Carmen Electra guest starred as Nikki Fuse, Skyler’s rival from her past partying days (Darling Nikki).  Jenny McCarthy played Skyler’s childhood friend Eve (The Two Faces of Eve) who had undergone massive plastic surgery before becoming engaged to a 90 year old oil tycoon played by Bill Macy.  Bill Macy is best known for his role as Walter Finlay on the 1972 sitcom, Maude.  The lead on Maude was played by Bea Arthur, who was one of the roasters on The Roast of Pamela Anderson. They are both members of the animal right’s organization, P.E.T.A.

On top of having starlets and Playmates guest star, there are also many notable members of the comedy community.  Tom Lennon, best known as his work on Reno 911 as Lieutenant Jim Dangle and various memorable characters on the MTV Sketch Show, The State guest starred as a sleezy hypnotist.  Tom also cowrote the book Writing Movies for Fun and Profit: How We Made a Billion Dollars at The Box Office and You Can Too!

Matt Besser, one of the founders of one of the most well known popular comedy clubs in New York and Comedy Central Sketch Show Upright Citizen’s Brigade also guest starred as a guy who only came in the bookshop to use the bathroom.

Scott Adsit guest starred as an author from Gavin’s past.  Scott is best known for playing Pete on 30 Rock.

I suppose what I’ve taken away from all this is while Stacked was good while it lasted, they had to have known it wasn’t going to turn into the next Seinfeld.  When comedians get their own sitcom, they hope it runs for seven, eight, nine years.  Pamela Anderson’s career is a rollar coaster ride.  She played TJ Parker on Baywatch for five years but since then has been jumping from project to project.  She’s in movies, she models, she’s an activist, she wrote two books and did a book tour, she was on Dancing With The Stars.  To buckle down and do Stacked for eight seasons…  It just wasn’t going to work.

What Hollywood obviously needs is a sexy young starlet with big knockers who has the drive and ambition to pursue comedy for the rest of her career.  Hmm… Does anyone know someone like that?

Guess The Outrage!

16 Feb

Ok, ready to play?  Here’s how we play.  I’m going to post a tweet from a celebrity.  You have to guess which situation they are commenting on.  Pretty easy, let’s get started.

 1.  “You are a piece of f*ckin sh*t. If {you had done the same to my girlfriend} I would have beat your f*ckin ass. Sorry piece of sh*t..” -Carey Hart.

Was this…

A) Kanye West interupting Taylor Swift at the VMAs?

B)  Chris Brown sending Rihanna to the hospital after punching her in the face?


2.  “______ is the biggest piece of sh*t on earth. Quote me.” -Pink

A) Kanye West interupting Taylor Swift at the VMAs?

B)  Chris Brown sending Rihanna to the hospital after punching her in the face?


3.  “My heart broke for her, she looked so sad at the end of that moment.” -Perez Hilton

A) Kanye West interupting Taylor Swift at the VMAs?

B)  Chris Brown sending Rihanna to the hospital after punching her in the face?


4.  “The Hills loves _____…  We all support you! Love you!”  -Stephanie Pratt

A) Kanye West interupting Taylor Swift at the VMAs?

B)  Chris Brown sending Rihanna to the hospital after punching her in the face?


5.  “I have no comment on that. That’s not my relationship. I think they’re both great people.” -Lindsay Lohan

A) Kanye West interupting Taylor Swift at the VMAs?

B)  Chris Brown sending Rihanna to the hospital after punching her in the face?


6.  “They’re both young and beautiful people, and that’s it.” -Mary J. Blige

A) Kanye West interupting Taylor Swift at the VMAs?

B)  Chris Brown sending Rihanna to the hospital after punching her in the face?


7.  “I know both of them well. They’re young, and all we can do is pray for them at this point.” -Nia Long

A) Kanye West interupting Taylor Swift at the VMAs?

B)  Chris Brown sending Rihanna to the hospital after punching her in the face?


8.  “You have to have compassion for others. Just imagine it being your sister or mom and then think about how we should talk about that. I just think we should all support her.” -Jay Z

A) Kanye West interupting Taylor Swift at the VMAs?

B)  Chris Brown sending Rihanna to the hospital after punching her in the face?


Answer Key: 

1. A/ 2. A/ 3. A/ 4. A/ 5. B/ 6. B/ 7. B/ 8. B

Think about it.

The Worst Thing About America

10 Nov

            Sitting at a bar in Central Square, I stared at an empty page in my notebook.  The one-year anniversary of the first time I performed stand up was approaching, and I had filled about one fifth of my college ruled notebook with ideas for jokes.  Some had developed, become part of my act, maybe even my opener or closer.  Others were left to never be touched again because they either didn’t get a laugh, or I never mustered up the courage to try them on stage in fear of offending, or being embarrassed.  Although, I must say, it’s not easy to embarrass me.

          At this point in my life, I prioritized in the following order—comedy, family, friends, work.  Up until extremely recently, I would have organized it differently—boys, boys, boys, wieners, boys, seeing wieners, boys, comedy, acting like a rock star, Facebook, stalking boys on Facebook, watching the Golden Girls, boys, boys, boys.  For no particular reason, or at least not one I can identify without at least a 45 minute session with a psychotherapist, I stopped being infatuated—or even impressed—with boys.  So when a tall handsome man asked to sit down beside me, I shrugged and said, “G’ahead.”  What I meant was, “Do whatever the fuck you want, dude.”

            I felt him wanting to talk to me.  As gorgeous as he was, I was just not biting.  The kid looked like a rock star.  Dark hair, light eyes, tall, with I-don’t-care hair, which probably took him an hour to perfect.  Let’s be honest, he was shmokin’.  Like he was hot.  Like really fucking hot.  My pessimism kicked in and I thought, “Even if we do end up talking, it will lead to nothing but heartbreak.”  After sitting for a moment with his own notebook, he got up and walked away.  I thought sadly, “B’oh.”  I cared, but I didn’t care, but I sort of cared.

            He came back a moment later, sat down and asked me, “Are you studying?”

            “Sort of, just trying to decide which jokes to tell tonight.”

            “Oh!  You’re a comedian!”  I love when people are surprised I’m a comedian.  It makes me feel pretty.

            “Yeah, I am.”

            “How long have you been performing?”  He asked, smiling.

            “About a year.”

            As our conversation continued, the minutes turned to hours and before I knew it we knew way more about each other than two strangers should.  Including that he was NOT addicted to Internet porn.

            Without detecting an accent, I learned that he was born outside of the United States.  I asked him, “Now that you’ve spent some time in the states, what’s the best and the worst—the rose and the thorn—of the United States?”

            “The best thing is sporting events.  I love going to games.  College Football in the best.  The worst thing about the United States is that not everybody has access to free health care.  To have to pay to go to an emergency room is insane.”

            “Ok, those are both good ones,” I said approvingly.  I did agree with his low-light, but his high-light…  I don’t watch sports.  But I’m glad he likes it.

            “So,” he paused.  “What do you think the worst thing about the United States is?”

            I thought for a moment.  “Not enough guys go down on me.”

Don’t Torture Animals

17 May

Today I got an email from a coupon website saying there was a special deal on brazilian waxes.  For those of you who think those are South American candles, think again my friend!  Brazilian waxes are bikini waxes that rip out everything.  For 50% off I could get 100% off.

Then I remembered, wait!  I’ve had a brazilian before.  (Halloween ’07 I had two in one night!)

No, but really.  I did get a brazilian before.  It was back in 2006…. (doodley, doodley, doodley….)

I got a call from my down the street neighbor inviting me to get my coochie waxed with her before our respective vacations.  I agreed, because I’d had my eyebrows done before and yeah it hurts, but only for a second.  And afterwards people don’t mistake you for Bert.  My hopes were that people would stop mistaking my snatch for Snuffy.

So like I said, I agreed.  I met her the morning of– pretty early, too– and we walked around the corner to the nail salon.  The rest is sort of foggy in my memory, but the next thing I remember, I was down in the basement in this little room…  An axe was swinging over head…  No wait…

I was lying on a bed, much like an examining table you’d find in a doctor’s office.  My pants were off!  The woman in there seemed totally nonchalant about the entire thing.  She took some powder, like baby powder, and rubbed it on me.  I thought, “Should she have bought me dinner first?”  She then lathered a thick layer of wax on, and applied the cloth sheet.  There was no turning back.  I thought, “Well, this won’t really–“…  The woman YANKED the piece of cloth off of me, bringing with it most of my hair.

The pain is so intense that for the first five seconds, you can’t speak.  You can’t even breath.  Then it’s like, 3… 2… 1…  “WOW!  Wowwie wow wow, that *really* hurt!  I mean, I’m really surprised I was not expecting that at all I mean that was really something I’ve gotten my eyebrows done but that hurt way way more I am really in a lot of pain wow is that how is usually is because wow that was super intense…”

Without letting me finish my run on sentence, she applied some more wax.  I tried to prepare myself the best I could but it was like preparing yourself to be hit by a car.  A car made of spikes.  And the car is holding a gun in it’s fist.

This continued until finally the woman told me I could relax and roll onto my side.  I thought, “Oh thank you, I guess this is the portion where I cry in a fetal position while she writes up the bill.”

The woman spoke to me, “Hold this…”  I looked, and she was handing me my butt cheek.

“Huh?”  I said, grabbing it from her.

She lathered up in between my cheeks.  I thought, “Well, that’s it.  It’s not really I can say, “Nevermind!  Seal it up, I’ll just puke from now on.”

She put down the cloth and RIPPED!  Surprisingly, did not hurt at all.  I think it’s because it’s so jiggley back there.

I turned over onto my back and she cleaned up some spots with the tweezers.  I cried, and she went, “Hahaha.”  I said, “I hope that’s Korean for ‘sorry you’re in so much pain, this one’s on the house.'”

It didn’t even end up looking that good.  I’m going back to feminism.

Nice Guys Finish Last

13 May

Trying to get writing after taking such a long break isn’t easy.  I think the best way to go about this is just to throw down whatever comes to mind.  Vomit words out of my fingers, so to speak.  Then the flow will come back to me naturally, or I’ll find a new hobby.  I’ve heard nice things about collecting commemorative plates.  Right now I eat off paper towels.

Have you seen the new video for Lady Gaga’s “Judas”?  When I first heard the song, like many others including and limited to my friend Ellie, I didn’t love it right away.  The chorus was bomb, but the rest of it just didn’t get me going.  Then I saw the video.  And booooy do I get it now.

I’ve never read the bible, but from what I can gather Jesus was the leader of a badass motorcycle gang.  Perhaps even the Jesse Katsopolis of his time.  Leather jacket, hot girlfriend, and maybe even performed with the Beach Boys once or twice.  I can totally dig it.  At first glance, Jesus is handsome, funny, charming, kind, interesting.  All the things a woman would look for in a man.

Then there’s Judas.  Oh, Judas.  A sloppy, drunk, touchy, feeley, touchy-feely, feelsie-touchie, hot mess of destruction.  Based on appearance alone I can already tell that man would not remember my birthday.  Judas types come in many different shapes and sizes; musicans, athletes, communication majors who you meet through friends at a Willy Wonka themed party…  And for some reason, this Judas character gets more hearts going than a pacemaker.
What makes a woman choose Judas over Jesus?  What is the appeal of the douchebag?  My theory is that there’s nothing flattering about a nice boy paying attention to you.  Yeah, he’s supposed to.  That’s what makes him nice.  Basically, I can sum it up to this–  I like when nice boys are nice.  I hate when nice boys are bad.  I like when bad boys are bad.  And I love when bad boys are nice.

Unfortunately, the bad boy always turns out to be the big loser, and the Jesus character comes out on top.  And ultimately, everything ends up being okay for that guy.  Right?

Nice guys finish last….  IN BED!