The Ways Of The Sober Lady

17 May

Many people don’t know this about me but I am a sober living person!  I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t do drugs.  A friend of mine has been considering sobriety so I’ve decided to make a list of

THE WAYS OF THE SOBER LADY!

1)  Don’t be influenced.  People are going to ask you a lot if you want a drink and sometimes you may think you do.  But in reality, it will hurt your tum-tum tomorrow so do like Nancy Regan and just say, “Fuck off, dickhole.”

2)  Ok maybe just one sip.  If you’re at a Sox game and your friend gets two cups of beer and she asks you to hold one it’s okay to take a sip.  Beers at Fenway are like, $11.  It’s like having a sip of a pearl or diamond.

3)  Act drunk but don’t be drunk.  People will admire you for having the bravery to scream in that chick’s face in a totally innapropriate psychotic way.  And then when you say, “Yeah, I wasn’t even drunk,”  they’ll fear you.  And fear = respect.

4)  Try other drugs.  Food is a good one.  Also, shopping.  Also, sex.  Also, stand up comedy.

5) Get lots of attention for being sober.  When people find out you don’t drink, they’ll assume you once had a drinking problem.  They will PRAISE you for getting help.  It is such a great confidence boost!  Tell them whatever feels comfortable.  Whether it’s, “I just decided to give it up because I never drank that much to begin with,”  Or, “The judge is forcing me.”  The truth is nobody’s business. 

Best of luck with your sobriety!  Cheers!

Advertisements

An Open Letter From a Decent Dermatology Receptionist

14 May

I wrote this in response to this open letter by Jim Tews.

My name is Danielle Soto. I’m a twenty five year old Chilean Jew, and I’ve worked in a Dermatology office for about two years now. Currently, people of my species make up the majority of Dermatology Receptionists in this country, and we have for a very long time. But today I’d like to talk about what it’s like to be an Octopus who works in a Dermatology office.

Sure, it’s different. As a human woman I have the advantage of having skin which can relate to most Dermatology patients. But if you’re an Octopus (without human skin) you can either conform and act like you have human skin or you can avoid working here all together. I’m open minded and accepting and believe things need to change but things AREN’T going to change. Don’t try. Seriously, stop trying. Stop it. I see you trying!

We get it, you have tentacles. And sometimes people will make comments about those not being hands, and you making the keyboard sticky. Well, all I can say is one thing human beings hate more than anything is being ignored. They hate being ignored more than they hate looking for parking, genocide, or when their human room mate leaves only one drop of milk in the jug. So, just don’t acknowledge them when they say, “Hey dick arms! I need a four month follow up with Dr. Freeman!” DO NOT TRY TO CHANGE ANYTHING.

I feel like even though I’ve never been an octopus, I’ll never be an octopus, and I’m not currently an octopus I can totally talk about what life in the business is like for them. The horrible things that could happen to an octopus (nets, pirates, ink stains, etc.) could never happen to me. The everyday frustrations for an octopus (getting tangled in sea weed, sexual harrassment, etc.) don’t cross my mind at all. I can walk to my car at night through a dimly lit parking lot and not worry in the slightest about a Japanese trawler coming up behind me, shish kabobbing me, and serving me at a bachelorette party on the stomach of a chizzled hottie! (That actually doesn’t sound that bad…)

Being an Ocotpus working in a Dermatology Office is clearly not that difficult. You’s octopi are lucky that humans even LET you in Dermatology clinics. So, just be greatful okay? I’m sensitive and nice. Like, really nice. The kind of nice where I can get away with saying horrible things. In conclusion, don’t hate the playa hate the game.

OKCupid Messages I Sent That Never Got Responses

29 Apr

Alternate title of this post:  What’s wrong with me?

1)  Hi there,
I like the puppy in your second photo. He’s so cute! I love dogs big enough to wrestle but small enough that it’s obvious I’m letting them win.
That’s all. Just thought I’d say hi.

2)  What scares you about ET? Is it Drew Barrymore’s acting? She’s gotten a little better since then.

3)  Hi, I don’t think we have anything in common but we’re both hot so I just thought I’d write and say what’s up?

4)  Do you still have that red and white striped shirt? Can I borrow it? Are you a Kennedy?

5)  I laughed out loud when I saw you can’t live without whole milk.   Why whole milk? That’s kind of random, right?

6)  Hi, I don’t have a tramp stamp. But if I did, it would be black and really pretty script. And it would say FEMINIST. Irony is wicked hot.

7)  Hi, I think being able to walk through crowds IS a really good skill, and I’m glad you recognize it. Some people tend to panic and give up. I realized I didn’t like big crowds when I was at a Backstreet Boys Concert in the fifth grade. It was also the day I realized I love the Backstreet Boys. So many realizations.

8)  Hi,  I hate movies and the outdoors. I’m only outdoorsey if it’s an amusement park. But I really like talking about social issues.

9)  I was about to “wink” at you, but that just felt sooo slimey. So I decided to step up and write a message just to say hi.  Hi!

10)  Are you a nerd or a pervert?

I think my problem is I’m opening with “Hi” too much.  I think I might switch to “Hey.”

The Boston Marathon 2013

27 Apr

On April 13th-14th I was on a road gig.  I don’t often travel for comedy, and I was particularly excited about this one because I was expecting to see a special guy.  I was calling it, “a sure thing.”  I was spinning a roulette wheel where every peg had, “hot and sexy boning!” written on it.  I’ll keep details vague to protected the people or person who will one day be VERY VERY REGRETFUL and just let you know virtually nothing happened between us and I came home somewhat heartbroken.

On April 15th, I discovered what real heartbreak is.  Two explosions had gone off during the Boston Marathon, near the finish line, causing three deaths and countless injuries.  People with shrapnel in their legs are still coming into emergency rooms, and the number of injured parties is still growing.  Bostonians and visitors were treated for burns, cuts, and amputations.  Being at Brigham and Women’s Hospital, where I work, I heard every two minutes an ambulance leave the hospital.  Every.two.minutes.  It was painful to listen to because if you know me, you know I’m completely head over heals in love with Boston.  I felt like someone was attacking my husband.

The Boston marathon was such a special day for me growing up.  I grew up just two blocks between mile 23 and 24.  Every year I would go with my family to cheer on the runners and play out in the streets of Boston.  My friends and I would sell lemonade, or draw with chalk on the sidewalk.  As I got older, into high school, it became a day to try and get invited up to some apartment on Beacon St.  It became a day where no one called and asked, “Where are you?  When are you coming home?”  Because on that day the city is your babysitter.  You are protected on Marathon Monday.

The part of that day that will stick with me the most (the part I’m insisting sticks with me the most) is the bravery exerted during the blast.  An enormous explosion, smoke everywhere, people screaming and what do some of these men nearby do?  THEY RUN TOWARDS IT!  One explosion, two explosions, they didn’t know if there were more coming!  They had no idea.  It didn’t matter because there are people in this city– in this world– who do not hesitate when a fellow human being is in trouble.  Not friend, not family member, just another person.  You’ve heard the expression, “Like a bat out of hell.”  These people ran INTO the hell.  But not like a squeaky bat, but like a hawk, or eagle.  A big bird with a lot of courage and compassion.

I realized, if there are men in this world who will sacrifice their safety to possibly save a life then for me to be heartbroken over anyone else is a waste of time.  They say there are plenty of fish in the sea, but what they don’t tell you is some of those fish are guppies.  Some are piranhas and some are clown-fish.  But if you wait, and you look really closely, you’ll notice a lot of those fish are really smart dolphins, or emotionally strong whales.  And you might be saying to me, “Danielle, those aren’t fish.  Those are mammals.”  And to that I say, “With an attitude like that, you’re gonna end up with a shrimp.”  And to that you might say, “A shrimp is a crustacean.”  And to that I say, “Boston Strong, fahk you, if it’s at the New England Aquarium it’s fair game.”

So the moral of this story is don’t try to have sex with me unless you’ve saved at least three lives.  Or, if you’re not okay with me calling you “Officer” in the process.

I’ll love you forever, Boston!  You’re my home.

wally

The Best OKCupid Message I Ever Got

21 Dec

hey – so im not messaging you for a date – i dont think were a great match. 

but you seem like a nice person and youre definitely pretty so I figured, from one online dating profile to another, id give you a little bit of advice. 

your main photo, as a thumbnail, makes it look as if you have a giant unibrow. You DONT have a giant unibrow. So if I were you, I would move that further down the list of photos so you can only see it up close. Otherwise…unibrow. 

Just figured if I had the same thing, Id appreciate it.

Muddy Enemies

6 Dec

Ingredients

9 cups Rice Chex®, Corn Chex® or Chocolate Chex® cereal (or combination)

1 cup semisweet chocolate chips

1/2 cup peanut butter

1/4 cup butter or margarine

1 teaspoon vanilla

1/2 cups powdered sugar

Directions

1. Into large bowl, measure cereal; set aside.

2. In 1-quart microwavable bowl, microwave chocolate chips, peanut butter and butter uncovered on High 1 minute; stir. Microwave about 30 seconds longer or until mixture can be stirred smooth. Stir in vanilla. Pour mixture over cereal, stirring until evenly coated. Pour into 2-gallon resealable food-storage plastic bag.

3.  Add powdered sugar. Seal bag; shake until well coated. Spread on waxed paper to cool. Store in airtight container in refrigerator.

What I Did

1.  Into large bowl, put chocolate chips, powered sugar, and begin to measure peanut butter.

2.  Realize you’ve already fucked this up.

3.  Scream about how this is not fixable.

4.  Do best to scoop chocolate chips out of powdered sugar.

5.  Dump that out and hope you have enough to start over.

6.  Start over.

7.  Into large bowl, mix margarine, chocolate chips, and peanut butter.

8.  Microwave for one minute.

9.  Ask, “Why does it look like this?”

10.  Microwave some more.

11.  Exclaim, “Who’s going to marry me?!!”

12.  Pour out excess liquid from mixture into sink.  Ask, “Was I supposed to do that?”

13.  Measure 8 cups of Chex mix.

14.  Say, “I mean Chex.  Why do I keep calling it Chex-mix??”

15.  Measure 8 cups of chex.

16.  Spill Chex everywhere.

17.  Ask, “Why is this so hard?”

18.  Pour Chex into zip lock bag.

19.  Pour mixture of sweet stuff into zip lock bag.

20.  Pour powdered sugar into zip lock bag.

21.  Close bag.

22.  Shake bag.

23.  Say, “It’s so clumpy!”

24.  Eat some.

25.  Put zip lock bag in freezer.

26.  Clean up.

27.  Eat some.

28.  Ask brother to drive you to super market.

29.  Buy MnM cookies for Dermatology Clinic pot-luck.

30.  Go home.

31.  Eat some more Muddy Buddies.

32.  Clean up.

33.  Don’t cry.

34.  Eat an MnM cookie.

35.  Go to sleep frustrated and annoyed.

EXCEPT!  After all this, my office LOVED my Muddy Buddies and they didn’t poison anyone!  Horay!

5 Good Reasons…

10 Aug

5 Good Reasons I Should Be Cast As Anastasia Steele in the 50 Shades of Gray Movie

1.  I drive a dangerous car

Image

This is Rocket.  Sure, Rocket’s been in ditches, snow storms, and fender benders.  But she was mine and I loved her!  Just like Ana’s old Beatle, there’s no seperating us from our cars!  Spoiler Alert:  Car and Girl are seperated.

2.  I’m a cheap drunk.

Image

Like most classy bitches, I get drunk after two, three glasses of chilled wine that a man sips out of my belly button. 

3.  I’m not uncomfortable being handcuffed

Image

Whether it’s sexually, criminally, or just because I made a terrible mistake, I’m okay with being bound. 

4.  I Make Bad Decisions

Image

This is Cory.  He’s in the Hell’s Angels.  I went down a dark ally with him to take this picture. Worth it!

5.  Sometime I Need To Be Reminded To Eat

 

 

ImageImage

 

 

 

A Big Huge Thank You!

9 Jul

Hey, I won “Runner-up, Best Young Comedian (Female)” from The Examiner.  Thank you to everyone who voted!  And congratulations to Jenny Z!

http://www.examiner.com/article/announcing-the-best-of-boston-comedy-contest-results

Gold In Cleveland

6 Jun

If you’ve ever met me you would know that I’m sweet, compassionate, driven, and OBSESSED with The Golden Girls.  If I could go on forever and ever talking about one topic that would be it.  And lucky for me, my unfulfilled need for new and exciting adventures staring Betty White didn’t have to end on May 9th, 1992 with the series finale of the Golden Girls.  On June 16th, 2010 TV Land premiered it’s first original series, “Hot In Cleveland.”  And there you had it, an entire new world for Betty White to explore as Elka Ostrovsky.  Except upon watching it, as much as I do ADORE the show, it did give me a sense of deja vu.  I thought a few of the episodes that had similarities to episodes of The Golden Girls.  I will share these with you now…

I’m Obsessed With Shopping in Bulk

Hot in Cleveland Season 1, Episode 2 “Who’s Your Mama?” June 23rd, 2010…  Victoria goes to a Costco’s type store called, “Big n Easy” throughout the entire episode.

Golden Girls Season 5, Episode 4 “Rose Fights Back” Oct. 21st, 1989…  Sophia gets a membership to “Shopper’s Warehouse” and buys a lifetime supply of toothbrushes, sardines, and oatmeal cookies.

He Used To Be in the Mob

Hot in Cleveland Season 2 Episode 1 “Free Elka” January 19th, 2011…  The women find that Elka has been hiding stolen goods in her basement collected by her late husband.

Golden Girls Season 6 Episode 15 “Miles To Go” Jan. 19th, 1991… Rose’s boyfriend Miles confesses that he is in the witness protection program due to the fact that he was an accountant for the mafia, and a mobster named The Cheese Man.

My Prison Pen Pal is Paroled

Hot In Cleveland Season 2 Episode 12 “How I Met My Mother” June 22, 2011…  Victoria writes to a prisoner as Joy.  She comes clean about doing this because she finds out he’s being let out of prison.

Golden Girls Season 5 Episode 13 “Mary Had  A Little Lamb” January 6th, 1990…  Blanche is harmlessly writing romantic letters to a prisoner.  His most recent letter reveals that he is being paroled and is on his way to meet her.

My Late Husband Has A Secret Illegitimate Son

Hot In Cleveland Season 2 Episode 16 “Dancing Queens” July 20th, 2011… Elka bumps into an old friend who betrayed her by sleeping with Elka’s husband on a camping trip.  The son of her friend has Elka’s late husband’s eyes.

Golden Girls Season 5 Episode 18 “Illegitimate Concern” February 12th, 1990…  Blanche believes she has a stalked with a love interest, until she confronts him about his lurking ways.  He reveals to her that he is following her to find out more about his biological father, Blanche’s late husband.

Her Book Is About Me!

Hot In Cleveland Season 2 Episode 17 “The Emmy Show” July 27th, 2011…  Victoria’s daughter played by Jennifer Love Hewitt, comes into town to get dirt on Victoria for the new tell-all book she is writing.

Golden Girls Season 5 Episode 21 “Sisters and Other Strangers” March 3rd, 1990…  Blanche’s sister invites Blanche to a book signing for her new racy romance novel.  After reading it, Blanche finds most of the story a little too familiar.  The book reflects her own love escapades!

My Husband Faked His Death

Hot In Cleveland Season 2 Episode 22 “Elka’s Wedding” August 31, 2011…  During the ceremony of Elka’s big day, men from her past keep running into the church to interrupt.  The most surprising of the exes, Elka’s late husband.

Golden Girls Season 6 Episode 9 “Mrs. George Devereaux” November 17th, 1990…  Being wooed by yet another suitor, Blanche agrees to meet her secret admirer.  She is shocked and disgusted to find out it is her late husband, back from the dead.

I Thought This Cop Was A Stripper

Hot In Cleveland Season 2 Episode 22 “Elka’s Wedding” August 31, 2011…  Victoria opens the door to a cop asking her to move her car, and she assumes it is the stripper they called for Elka’s bachelorette party.

Golden Girls Season 6 Episode 17 “There Goes The Bride (Part 2)” February 9, 1991… Blanche hires a stripper for Dorothy’s bachelorette party.  When a cop shows up to tell them to quiet down, she honks him on the rump and turns on the sexy music.

You Haven’t Sky Dived Before?

Hot In Cleveland Season 3 Episode 4 “Happy Fat” December 21, 2011…  Trying to keep their romance alive, Elka takes her boyfriend Roy sky diving.  Roy is surprised to find out this is also Elka’s first time.

Golden Girls Season 6 Episode 13 “The Bloom is Off The Rose” January 5, 1991…  Trying to keep their relationship from getting boring, Rose convinces Miles to go sky diving.  Miles is surprised to find out this is also Rose’s first time.

You Fire Our Maid… No, YOU Fire Our Maid!

Hot In Cleveland Season 3 Episode 16 “Everything Goes Better With Vampires” March 28th, 2012… Rita Perlman guest stars as a terrible maid the girls hire to clean their house.  No one wants to be the one to fire her.

Golden Girls Season 3 Episode 4 “The Housekeeper” October 17th, 1987…  The girls fire their maid, who they believe put a curse on them to get revenge.

We Need To Save This Tree!

Hot In Cleveland Season 3 Episode 20 “The Gateway Friend” May 2nd, 2012…  Elka moves into a tree to prevent it from being cut down.  As she says, there is beauty in things that grow old naturally.

Golden Girls Season 2 Episode 4 “It’s A Miserable Life” November 1st, 1986…  The girls get everyone in their neighborhood to sign a petition to save the tree.  Everyone except the nasty old women whose property is home to the beautiful old tree.

Uh Oh, This Lesbian Has a Crush On Me

Hot In Cleveland Season 3 Episode 2 “Beards” December 7th, 2011… Rumors of Victoria being a lesbian lands her a spot as a speaker on a lesbian cruise ship where Sandra Bernhard falls for Melanie.

Golden Girls Season Season 2 Episode 5 “Isn’t It Romantic?” November 8th, 1986…  Dorothy’s friend from college comes to visit and spends some quality time with Rose.  Blanche is very upset to find out she wasn’t Jean’s pick for love interest.

While of course I couldn’t bring up all the original stories Hot In Cleveland does, they are there.  It’s a fantastic show.  In fact, it might be my favorite show that is currently on TV.  If you haven’t seen it yet, definitely catch an episode.  Wednesday Nights on TV Land.  And if you haven’t seen the Golden Girls, well, uh… what have you been doing?

My Top Ten Comedic TV Roles For Women

28 Mar

#10

Chrissy Snow

Three’s Company

Played by Suzanne Somers

Yes, she was a blonde dits in short shorts.  But Suzanne Somers did women a huge service during her time as Chrissy on the hit sitcom, Three’s Company.  The show’s producers thought that after Somers left the show, they could pick up where she left off with another blonde bimbo.  Little did they know, none of the actresses who came after Somers accomplished even close to her abilty to deliver comedic lines.  Somers’ timing and expressions is what made her the best blonde  for the job.  And she proved that no women, no matter what hair color, should be considered interchangeable.

“[When I was fired from Three’s Company], a producer said to the ABC people, “She’s a blonde. I trained her, I’ll train another one,” like I was some sort of seal … [But] a comedy is musical. It took me two years to understand the rhythm, the beat, the timing, but once I heard the music, oh, my God, I so got it.”

#9

Peggy Bundy

Married With Children

Played by Katey Sagal

On one of the most misogynistic shows ever to be on television, Sagal held it all together as Al Bundy’s horny lazy wife, Peg.  With so many insults being hurled her way, Peggy was able to knock each one of them right back at Al head on.  According to the True Hollywood Story, the casting directors were looking for a Roseanne Barr type to play the role.  But when it came time for her audition, Sagal walked in wearing platform heals, skin tight leggings, and a leopard top.  She dawned full hair and makeup, proving that white trash didn’t have to look low class.

In addition to being quick witted, she was also a complete horn dog.  In opposition with television’s norm, this mother of two was always begging (and being turned down) for sex.  Some might even argue, “Al, let’s have sex!”  became a catch phrase.

#8

Nina Van Horn

Just Shoot Me

Played by Wendie Malick

Beautiful, materialistic, and an unintentional bitch.  All these describe Nina Van Horn, model for Blush Magazine.  In an already strong ensemble, Malick delivered an extremely amusing portrayal of today’s top models.  While she always meant well, Nina’s first priority was always, well, Nina.  Wendie Malick is still entertaining us as Soap Opera Actress Victoria Chase on her new hit sitcom Hot In Cleveland which aires Wednesdays on TV Land.

#7

Punky

Punky Brewster

Played By Soleil Moon Frye

The orphan with the crazy name and the bright high tops, Soleil Moon Frye introduced us to Punky Brewster.  The first on our list to be the protagonist on her own show, Punky was loving, thoughtful, and most importantly– She was funny!  She was also a total badass.  No one messed with her, her family or her friends.  Not even a refrigerator.

Punky was a role model for young girls teaching them to “just say no” to drugs.  She was an animal advocate standing by her dog Brandon through thick and thin.  And with her vests, tights, and bandannas she also became a fashion icon representing the 90s pretty freakin’ well.

#6

Topanga Lawrence

Boy Meets World

Played by Danielle Fishel

She was a feminist!  She was probably one of the first self proclaimed feminists most young girls of my generation  saw on television.  She was weird, and it was awesome.  Topanga didn’t care what anyone else thought of her because she had self confidence.  This girl could draw lipstick on her face, cut off half her hair, be so fat people thought she was pregnant and still get her man.  She got her man, she got into Yale, and she was accepted for an internship at a competitive law firm in New York.  This girl had it all.  Plus, she was funny.  Topanga didn’t let anything get in her way, including a teacher who sexually harassed her.  She knew as the victim she wasn’t to blame and spoke up about what she had gone through because she knew unless she did something, it would keep happening to other women.

#5

Edith Bunker

All In The Family

Played by Jean Stapleton

Everybody’s favorite Dingbat, Mrs. Archie Bunker!  She was incredible.  It is nearly impossible not to even crack a smile when you see this delightful woman come trotting into the living room from the kitchen.  Her life was presumably simple.  Cook the dinner, clean the dishes, do the shopping.  But beyond the typical chores of a 1970s housewife Edith had many controversial topics brewing.  She had a breast cancer scare, a daughter considering abortion, and she even escaped from a rapist.  I love Edith Bunker, her relationship with Archie was one of the most charming on television.

#4

Fran Fine

The Nanny

Played by Fran Drescher

The laugh that shook Wednesday nights on CBS.  Ms Fine!  What can I say?  She had style, she had flare, and that’s how she become #4 on my list.  This character had such an amazing balance of self confidence, integrity, and attitude weighed with self deprecation.  For seven seasons Fran chased two things– love, and Barbara Streisand, Queen of the Jews.  Fran proved that being a strong funny female lead didn’t mean you had to be ditsy, or unattractive.  According to Fran, all you need in life is a tight skirt, a Shades of the Orient Make Up Case, and some good timing.  And maybe a box of Entiment for when the times are tough.

#3

Elaine Benes

Seinfeld

Played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Elaine brought a whole lot to a show about nothing.  This woman was one bad chick you did not want to mess with.  She was sharp, beautiful, and played nobody’s straight man.  With her wall of hair and little kicks, Elaine Benes fought her way through awful bosses to well, prison by the end.  In any event, Elaine has definitely left a lasting impression, and is in my hall of fame for women in comedic roles.  And if you don’t agree…

#2

Lucy McGillicuddy Ricardo

I Love Lucy

Lucille Ball

Do I really even have to say it?  Lucille Ball is a comedic icon and a master of misunderstanding.  Her career is nearly unmatchable and the respect and adornment she receives from the public is massive.  Whether Lucy is choking down Vitameatavegamin, chowing down on conveyor belt chocolates, or just trying to understand her husband’s Cuban accent, Lucy’s show was perfectly titled.  We all loved Lucy!

#1

Sophia Petrillo

The Golden Girls

Played by Estelle Getty

Don’t act surprised.  Okay, you can act a little surprised.  As much as I would have love to use (and be able to back up) all the Golden Girls, I had to go with Sophia on this one.  I made this choice for one simple reason, this white haired old lady is an icon.  For those unlucky ones who have never even seen an episode of The Golden Girls, you know this face.  And you know something absolutely classic is about to come out of her mouth.  Like seeing the Pepsi Logo and becoming thirsty, at the sight of this face you can’t help but chuckle.

Before Golden Girls, Estelle Getty was mainly a stage actress performing in comedies on Broadway.  When her big TV break came along, she was already sixty two years old.  Not exactly what most casting directors were looking for those days.  Although Estelle was the second youngest of all the Golden Girls, she became a representative for the elderly.  Showing that elderly people could still have active sex lives, help their community by doing volunteer and charity work, and most importantly– make friends.

Think someone was left off the list?  Comment and let me know!