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Ten Rumors You Could Tell About Me

9 Mar

Hi friends,

My career in stand up comedy thus far has been short (3 years) but incredible.  I have been so blessed by getting the opportunities to perform with some of my comedic idols in beautiful venues for terrific supportive audiences.  If you had told me three years ago half the performance opportunities I was offered I would have said you were on crack.  Recently though, I heard some unfortunate and untrue rumors about my journey to where I am professionally and the strategy I used to get there.  The truth is very boring.  Here is the truth:

I went to open mics four times a week when I started.

I write a lot.

I introduce myself to everyone.

I’m friendly.

I’m naturally funny.

That’s it.  That’s the whole thing.  That’s how I got to do any of the fun things I got to do.

And I know that leaves the people who were spreading the rumors and fueling the fire left very disappointed.  I agree– it would have been juicer if the sex rumors had been true!  I’m disappointing you by not being scandalous.  So, to make it up to you, here’s 10 rumors about me that are more believable and amusing than “Danielle Soto slept her way to the top.”

1)  RUMOR:  Danielle Got a Job in Dermatology for the Free Acne Medication.

TRUTH:  You still have to pay for the medication, but I do get free lotion samples!

2)  RUMOR:  Danielle Paints Her Fingernails Wild Colors To Hide A Persistant Fungus

TRUTH:  Not true about my fingernails, more true about my toe nails. :-/

3)  RUMOR:  Danielle is a marijuana dealer.

TRUTH:  Impossible.  I can’t figure out the metric system.

4)  RUMOR:  Danielle’s Freckle Patch is Painted On.

TRUTH:  It’s real, it’s called Nevus Spilus!

5)  RUMOR:  Danielle Breaks Into Her Old High School To Reenact Moments She Wish Had Gone Differently

TRUTH:  Not true, but last night I did have a dream someone actually asked me to the prom.

6)  RUMOR:  Danielle Has Had One Million Boyfriends.

TRUTH:  I’ve had one.  It did not go well.

7)  RUMOR:  Danielle Wears a Nightguard To Bed Because She Believes in The Tooth Fairy (and doesn’t trust her).

TRUTH:  I wear a nightguard because I grind my teeth in my sleep!

8)  RUMOR:  Danielle Used To Own Part of The Washington Wizards.

TRUTH:  I’m not even sure what sport that is.

9)  Danielle is 5’9” like Cindy Crawford.

TRUTH:  Cindy Crawford is 5’10”.

10)  Danielle Cares About What Everyone Thinks Of Her.

TRUTH:  I care what my friends think, and what my family thinks.  The people who love me know my character, not my reputation.  The real me is a Boston girl with dreams of one day following in Fran Drescher’s footsteps to becoming a television star.  I’m a friend, a feminist, a lovah, a sister, a daughter, a Golden Girls fanatic, a Norman Reedus obsesser, and a comedian.  If you’ve heard otherwise, ya heard wrong.

10 Reasons To See The Vagina Monologues

11 Feb

1)  College students will be moaning.

2)  You get to scream the C-Word without risk of being elbowed in the rib!

3)  Supporting local theater is the coolest.

4)  I’ll be wearing My Short Skirt.

5)  You’ll learn about some bad things that are happening to women all around the world, and also learn how to help.

6)  It’d make a hot Valentines Day date!

7)  When you tell your friends you went to see The Vagina Monologues, they’ll be like, “Whoa, you’re so comfortable with your masculinity!”  Which you can respond with either, “Thanks!” or, “HEY!  I’m a GIRL!”

8)  You’ll learn like a bajillion new words for a vagina. #coochiesnorcher

9)  At MIT they measured my Vagina and it’s 3.14″.  Now maybe someone will eat it.  #MATHJOKES

10)  If you see the show, and receive the message, and tell your kids to go see it, and they receive the message, then maybe in a few generations, the monologues will become history and fiction.  And violence against women will be a thing of the past!!

vagina banner

Comedy Vocabulary

19 Dec

Have you ever been talking to a stand up comedian and thought, “What the hell is this person talking about??”  Happens to me everyday.  Here are some helpful vocabulary words to help you understand what dafuq is going on.

Blue– (adjective) A comic who tells dirty jokes. “You’re too blue to work in this Downtown Disney club!  Children come here!”

Bombed– (verb) When a comic performs very poorly.  Also known as, “Eating A Dick.”  “They hated me, I completely bombed.  They threw tomato sauce cans at me.”

Booked Open Mic– (noun)  A place to practice jokes, which requires you to sign up in advance. “I’d invite you to come along, but it’s a booked open mic.”

Booker– (noun)  The person who invites comics to be on the show. “The booker told me she would let me open if I… (whisper whisper whisper).”

Bringer– (adjective)  A show that require performers to bring a certain amount of people.  “Please please PLEASE come to this show, I need four bringers or I can’t perform!”

Bumped– (verb)  When a comic shows up to an open mic which they weren’t on the list for, and get to immediately go on stage.  “Louis CK bumped me.  So, in a way, I opened for Louis CK.”

Check Drop– (verb)  The part of the show where the wait-staff gives the patrons their checks, and they completely lose interest in the show.  “I did my most racist material duing the check drop.”

Crowd Work– (verb)  When a comic talks to the audience and bounces jokes off their responses. “I’m like Barbara Walters with my crowd work.  Where you from?  What do you do?  Are you a closeted homosexual?”

Do Time– (verb)  What it’s called when you perform a set.  “I just showed up to drop off these cartons of mangos, and the booker asked if I wanted to do time.”

Dropped In– (verb) When a comic is not booked on a show but comes and does time anyway. “I was at the Comedy Studio when Sandra Bullock dropped in.  No, I wasn’t.  But I heard it was cool.”

Feature– (noun) The performer who goes after the opener, and before the headliner. “During the feature act, I went outside to make out with my boyfriend in the parking lot.  Alright, it was just some guy.  But still.  It was hot.”

Femedian– (noun) A female stand up comedian who is supportive of and cheers on other female comedians. “There are so many wonderful things about being a Femedian, and supporting them too!”

Green– (adjective) Describes a newer comic.  “It was his fifth time on stage, he’s pretty green.  But he did thirty minutes anyway.”

Guest Spot– (noun) An unpaid set on a show, usually not advertised.  “I was just showing up to tell everyone about the British coming, and the booker let me do a guest spot.”

Hacks– (noun) A terrible performer.  “He did fifteen minutes of knock-knock jokes.  And they all ended in the N-word.  He’s kind of a hack.”

Headliner– (noun) The last performer on the show, usually who the majority of the audience is there to see.  “The headliner has been on Last Comic Standing, Dancing With The Stars, The Tonight Show, and I heard he once rode inside a Macy’s Day float.”

Heckler– (noun) A person in the audience who talks during a show.  Not always yelling, “BOO!” but anyone who disrupts the show by trying to participate. “This heckler would NOT STOP talking the entire show so I shot him in the throat with a cross-bow.  I’m waiting to hear back about the court date.”

Host– (noun) The performer who does time at the beginning of the show, and then introduces the other comics to the stage. “When I hosted at Winner’s Circle, I brought the audience salt water taffey candies.  It was a great way to get rid of them.”

Killed– (verb) When a performer does very very well on a show.  “An audience member litterally peed her pants.  I killed.  I destroyed.  I crushed.”

Opener– (noun) The first performer on the show, before the feature.  “The opener was a guy visiting from Arizona.  He lost two fingers in the snow.”

Open Mic’er– (noun) Someone who is new and not yet being invited to perform on booked shows.  It can be used in a derogatory manner. “Your opinion is not going to be taken into consideration because you’re just an open mic’er, so how could you possibly know what we should get as a pizza topping?”

Premise– (noun) The overall idea or theme of a joke.  “It was a good premise, but it wasn’t well executed.  Now, Ted Bundy.  HE was well executed!”

Punchline– (noun) The funny part of a joke.  “That punchline was the line that really punched me in the funny bone!”

Road Comic– (noun) A performer who primary travels around performing. “Need a safe barn to sleep in when you visit Minnesota?  Ask that road comic, she’d know.”

Road Show– (noun) A show that isn’t where the comic locally performs.  “I always get wicked car sick on road shows.”

Room– (noun) Club, theater, bar, art gallery, or basement where stand up comedy is happening.  “Whose room is the best for really blue comics?”

Set– (noun) A performer’s performance.  “The first half of his set went great, the second half went bananas.”

Set List– (noun) The jokes a comic chooses to tell.  “Could you please stop telling me about your back surgery?  I’m trying to work on my set list.”

Set Up– (noun)  The part of the joke that leads to the punchline.  “Judging my the set up, I thought it was going to be a dick joke.  But then it wasn’t!”

Show and Go– (noun) An open mic which is not booked, anyone can perform.  “Get out of my way, jerks!  I’m going to a show and go and I can’t be late!” 

Showcase Show– (noun) A show that has many comedians booked.  “I was the sixth comic on the show.  That’s a good spot because the audience is warmed up but not yet hammered.”

Stretch– (verb) Do more time, keep going, tell more jokes.  “The headliner was stuck in traffic behind a Pride Parade, so I had to stretch.”

Tag– (noun) A part of a joke used to get a second or third laugh.  “You could write like, two or three more tags for that joke.  Keep going!  Keep tagging!  And as a person whose never done stand up you should definitely take my advice.”

The Light– (noun) A way the club indicated to the performer that they have one more minute left on stage.  “I kept giving him the light but he just kept talking!  I’m never booking this pirate again!”

The List– (noun) At an open mic, this is where the comics sign up to perform.  “‘Scuse me, I’m just gonna check the list.  Wanna see where I’m going up so lemme just check the list.  Sorry, excuse me, just gonna take a peek at the list.  Been here  twenty minutes, hasn’t been my turn yet, gotta check the list.”

Tight Five– (noun) The best five minutes of material a comic has.  “I went on Letterman and did my tight five.  Then he handed me a million dollar bill for my efforts.  Nice guy, nice guy.”

Golden Girls Problem Solving

5 Nov

In life we all face very distressing issues that can keep us up at night.  And if you don’t, I wouldn’t want to watch your life as a sitcom.  But if you’re anything like me every couple of weeks some ridiculous issue arises!  You go to your friends, but how many times can they hear, “He’s definitely the one this time!”  So in times of need I turn to four old friends.  Dorothy, Blanche, Rose, and Sophia.  Otherwise known as The Golden Girls.

Problem:  I said “I love you” first!  And he didn’t say it back!

Episode:  Girls Just Wanna Have Fun… Before They Die

How It Helps:  Sophia goes out on a date with dreamboat Tony Del Veccio.  In a moment of romance, she blurts out that she loves him.  When he doesn’t say it back she storms out.  Throughout the episode, she struggles with how to make him come back to her and when he doesn’t she confronts him with honesty.  His reason behind not saying it back is actually quite touching and something Sophia can surely relate to.


Dorothy:  Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

Sophia:  I think I crossed that line when I got a date.


(in bed)

Tony:  Where does a sweet Sicilian girl like you learn to do those things?

Sophia:  I live with a slut.


Sophia:  You care for me?  You care for a cat or a dog or a goat!  When I tell you that I love you and you tell me you care for me??


Sophia:  I just wanted to hear I love you one last time.

Problem:  I fell in love with a married man.

Episode:  That Was No Lady

How It Helps:  Dorothy falls deeply in love with a man who kept his marriage a secret from her.  At first she is determined to break it off, but her love for him brings her back.  What pulls her away again is not morals, not sympathy for a deceived wife, but rather her own self respect and knowing she deserves 100% of a man.


Dorothy:  I am going out with a new man tonight and he is not Italian.  

Blanche:  Who is he?

Dorothy:  His name is Glenn O’Brien.

Rose:  Where did you meet him?

Sophia:  His name is O’Brien, two to one she met him in a gin mill.


Dorothy:  It’s amazing I just made love in the day light.

Glenn:  Why is that amazing?

Dorothy:  You can’t hide anything in the day time.  At night I could be Godzilla you’d be thrilled.


Glenn:  Don’t end this Dorothy.  You mean everything to me.  It’s over with my wife, it’s just hard to walk out is all.

Dorothy:  Well, not for me it isn’t.


Dorothy:  Things aren’t working out anymore and I don’t know what to do to make them any better.  You can’t leave your wife and I’m not cut out to be the other woman.


Glenn:  I thought you understood I can’t break up my marriage.  Not now, not in this stage in my life.  If things didn’t work out between you and me I’d be alone.  That kind of risk is fine when you’re forty, but I couldn’t do that today.  I’m too old for that.

Dorothy:  Glenn, the risk shouldn’t scare you at any age.  And at any age the loving would make it worth while.  You want a safe easy comfortable home life and a romance and excitement on the side and it’s not for me.


Dorothy:  If I continue this I’ll end up alone and I care too much about myself to let that happen.

Glenn:  Dorothy, I love you.

Dorothy:  I love you too.  Goodbye.

Problem:  I’m being sexually harassed.

Episode:  Adult Education

How It Helps:  Blanche is failing her psychology course and is told the only way to pass would be to sleep with the professor.  Situations like these test our confidence in ourselves.  At first Blanche isn’t convinced she has what it takes to pass the course on her own merit.  She accepts the challenge and surprises herself by studying all night, driven by the fact that her professor is a scum-bag.


Blanche:  Oh girls, I have terrible news!  I failed my psychology exam!  


Blanche:  Oh girls, I am devestated just devestated!  I asked my teacher for help like you all told me to and he said the only way I’d get an A on his final is if I sleep with him!

Rose:  No!

Blanche:  Yes!  I just don’t know what to do.

Sophia:  Get it in writing.


Dean Tucker:  Were there any witnesses?

Blanche:  No.

Dean Tucker:  Oh well, that complicates things.

Blanche:  Why?  Don’t you believe me?

Dean Tucker:  It’s not a question of whether or not I believe you, but without substantial evidence it’s your word against his and a man’s career is at stake.

Blanche:  So is mine!  Not to mention my dignity!


Blanche:  I’m declining your offer but I do want to thank you.

Professor Cooper:  For what?

Blanche:  Well thanks to you I studied all day and all night.  And whenever I felt like giving up I would just think about what kind of man you really are and I’d study even harder.  In fact you made me so mad I decided to get an A on this test come hell or high water and I think I did.  I sir, am a lady.  Maybe not the smartest lady in the world but I do know my self respect is more important than passing your damn course.  So you sir, can kiss my A.

Problem:  My friend is dating someone verbally abusive.

Episode:  The Bloom is Off The Rose

How It Helps:  Blanche is dating Rex Huntington.  He is rude, insulting, and always standing her up.  Dorothy is baffled as to why anyone, especially someone as wonderful as Blanche, would let a man treat her this way.  This episode teaches us that sometimes you have to sit back and let your friend make their own mistakes.  Eventually they will see the light and appreciate the fact that you didn’t babysit them.


Dorothy:  I’ve never seen you do anything domestic.

Blanche:  Dorothy!  I’ve done the laundry thousands of times!  By the way, we’re out of blee-ach.


Rose:  Rex Huntington?  Isn’t he the guy who stood you up last week?

Blanche:  Well yeah, he did but I happen to like the man so I’m giving him a second chance.

Dorothy:  That was his second chance, he stood you up the week before that!

Blanche:  You’re enjoying this, aren’t you Dorothy?

Dorothy:  Oh yeah.


Blanche:  Come on, it’s not too late to go out!  I mean, you kept me waiting for hours.

Rex:  No, no, no, I’m sorry baby, I’m tired.

Blanche:  But I’m all dressed up, and I’m wearing your favorite perfume.

Rex:  Hey, I said it was too late to go out.  I guess you think I come over here to get nagged?

Rose:  And to get your laundry, don’t forget your laundry.


Dorothy:  This guy Rex is ruining your self esteem.  DId he say you were fat?

Blanche:  Not in so many words.  But I am starting to wonder if barrel butt really is a term of endearment.  


Rex:  Do you wanna go light a fire under her?

Dorothy:  No I don’t think so.

Rex:  Why not?

Dorothy:  Because I think she’s getting burned enough as it is.


Dorothy:  I can’t stop her from seeing you but I’ll be damned if I’m going to hurry her up.

Rex:  Who do you think you are?

Dorothy:  A friend!


Rex:  If I walk out that door I’m not coming back here again.

Blanche:  That’s a promise I’m gonna see that you keep.

Problem:  My boyfriend is impotent.

Episode:  The Impotence of Being Ernest

How It Helps:  Rose starts dating a man, and for months they never have sex.  Finally, she find out that the reason was because he is impotent.  She sticks it out and eventually he overcomes this issue.  We learn from this episode that good things come to those who wait.  Compassion and understanding are rewarded.  And sometimes a guy with a dick can be a real dick.


Rose:  Ernie’s not the type of guy who wants to hop into bed after one date.

Blanche:  And this is one of his attributes?


Blanche:  Sometimes you have to stoke a man’s fire a little bit.

Sophia:  Words of wisdom from the human torch.


Ernie:  It’s not easy for a man to say, Rose.  I’m impotent.  

Rose:  I see….  (tosses glass of champaign over her shoulder)


Rose:  Well, first he said that I was a very attractive woman.

Blanche and Dorothy:  Yeeeeah?

Rose:  Then he said I was fun to be with.

Blanche and Dorothy:  Yeeeeah?

Rose:  Then he said he was impotent.

Blanche and Dorothy:  Uuuughhhh.

Blanche:  Impotent?  Are you sure?

Dorothy:  Oh Blanche, what would you have done?  Asked him to prove it?


Ernie:  How’s your souffle Rose?

Rose:  Delicious!  I never did get the hang out making these.  Boy, there is nothing more frustrating than waiting for one of these suckers to rise and they just won’t.


Blanche:  You gave him back his manhood.

Rose:  If he can find it he can have it.  He’s probably the worst lover I’ve ever had.

The Ways Of The Sober Lady

17 May

Many people don’t know this about me but I am a sober living person!  I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t do drugs.  A friend of mine has been considering sobriety so I’ve decided to make a list of


1)  Don’t be influenced.  People are going to ask you a lot if you want a drink and sometimes you may think you do.  But in reality, it will hurt your tum-tum tomorrow so do like Nancy Regan and just say, “Fuck off, dickhole.”

2)  Ok maybe just one sip.  If you’re at a Sox game and your friend gets two cups of beer and she asks you to hold one it’s okay to take a sip.  Beers at Fenway are like, $11.  It’s like having a sip of a pearl or diamond.

3)  Act drunk but don’t be drunk.  People will admire you for having the bravery to scream in that chick’s face in a totally innapropriate psychotic way.  And then when you say, “Yeah, I wasn’t even drunk,”  they’ll fear you.  And fear = respect.

4)  Try other drugs.  Food is a good one.  Also, shopping.  Also, sex.  Also, stand up comedy.

5) Get lots of attention for being sober.  When people find out you don’t drink, they’ll assume you once had a drinking problem.  They will PRAISE you for getting help.  It is such a great confidence boost!  Tell them whatever feels comfortable.  Whether it’s, “I just decided to give it up because I never drank that much to begin with,”  Or, “The judge is forcing me.”  The truth is nobody’s business. 

Best of luck with your sobriety!  Cheers!

An Open Letter From a Decent Dermatology Receptionist

14 May

I wrote this in response to this open letter by Jim Tews.

My name is Danielle Soto. I’m a twenty five year old Chilean Jew, and I’ve worked in a Dermatology office for about two years now. Currently, people of my species make up the majority of Dermatology Receptionists in this country, and we have for a very long time. But today I’d like to talk about what it’s like to be an Octopus who works in a Dermatology office.

Sure, it’s different. As a human woman I have the advantage of having skin which can relate to most Dermatology patients. But if you’re an Octopus (without human skin) you can either conform and act like you have human skin or you can avoid working here all together. I’m open minded and accepting and believe things need to change but things AREN’T going to change. Don’t try. Seriously, stop trying. Stop it. I see you trying!

We get it, you have tentacles. And sometimes people will make comments about those not being hands, and you making the keyboard sticky. Well, all I can say is one thing human beings hate more than anything is being ignored. They hate being ignored more than they hate looking for parking, genocide, or when their human room mate leaves only one drop of milk in the jug. So, just don’t acknowledge them when they say, “Hey dick arms! I need a four month follow up with Dr. Freeman!” DO NOT TRY TO CHANGE ANYTHING.

I feel like even though I’ve never been an octopus, I’ll never be an octopus, and I’m not currently an octopus I can totally talk about what life in the business is like for them. The horrible things that could happen to an octopus (nets, pirates, ink stains, etc.) could never happen to me. The everyday frustrations for an octopus (getting tangled in sea weed, sexual harrassment, etc.) don’t cross my mind at all. I can walk to my car at night through a dimly lit parking lot and not worry in the slightest about a Japanese trawler coming up behind me, shish kabobbing me, and serving me at a bachelorette party on the stomach of a chizzled hottie! (That actually doesn’t sound that bad…)

Being an Ocotpus working in a Dermatology Office is clearly not that difficult. You’s octopi are lucky that humans even LET you in Dermatology clinics. So, just be greatful okay? I’m sensitive and nice. Like, really nice. The kind of nice where I can get away with saying horrible things. In conclusion, don’t hate the playa hate the game.

OKCupid Messages I Sent That Never Got Responses

29 Apr

Alternate title of this post:  What’s wrong with me?

1)  Hi there,
I like the puppy in your second photo. He’s so cute! I love dogs big enough to wrestle but small enough that it’s obvious I’m letting them win.
That’s all. Just thought I’d say hi.

2)  What scares you about ET? Is it Drew Barrymore’s acting? She’s gotten a little better since then.

3)  Hi, I don’t think we have anything in common but we’re both hot so I just thought I’d write and say what’s up?

4)  Do you still have that red and white striped shirt? Can I borrow it? Are you a Kennedy?

5)  I laughed out loud when I saw you can’t live without whole milk.   Why whole milk? That’s kind of random, right?

6)  Hi, I don’t have a tramp stamp. But if I did, it would be black and really pretty script. And it would say FEMINIST. Irony is wicked hot.

7)  Hi, I think being able to walk through crowds IS a really good skill, and I’m glad you recognize it. Some people tend to panic and give up. I realized I didn’t like big crowds when I was at a Backstreet Boys Concert in the fifth grade. It was also the day I realized I love the Backstreet Boys. So many realizations.

8)  Hi,  I hate movies and the outdoors. I’m only outdoorsey if it’s an amusement park. But I really like talking about social issues.

9)  I was about to “wink” at you, but that just felt sooo slimey. So I decided to step up and write a message just to say hi.  Hi!

10)  Are you a nerd or a pervert?

I think my problem is I’m opening with “Hi” too much.  I think I might switch to “Hey.”

The Boston Marathon 2013

27 Apr

On April 13th-14th I was on a road gig.  I don’t often travel for comedy, and I was particularly excited about this one because I was expecting to see a special guy.  I was calling it, “a sure thing.”  I was spinning a roulette wheel where every peg had, “hot and sexy boning!” written on it.  I’ll keep details vague to protected the people or person who will one day be VERY VERY REGRETFUL and just let you know virtually nothing happened between us and I came home somewhat heartbroken.

On April 15th, I discovered what real heartbreak is.  Two explosions had gone off during the Boston Marathon, near the finish line, causing three deaths and countless injuries.  People with shrapnel in their legs are still coming into emergency rooms, and the number of injured parties is still growing.  Bostonians and visitors were treated for burns, cuts, and amputations.  Being at Brigham and Women’s Hospital, where I work, I heard every two minutes an ambulance leave the hospital.  Every.two.minutes.  It was painful to listen to because if you know me, you know I’m completely head over heals in love with Boston.  I felt like someone was attacking my husband.

The Boston marathon was such a special day for me growing up.  I grew up just two blocks between mile 23 and 24.  Every year I would go with my family to cheer on the runners and play out in the streets of Boston.  My friends and I would sell lemonade, or draw with chalk on the sidewalk.  As I got older, into high school, it became a day to try and get invited up to some apartment on Beacon St.  It became a day where no one called and asked, “Where are you?  When are you coming home?”  Because on that day the city is your babysitter.  You are protected on Marathon Monday.

The part of that day that will stick with me the most (the part I’m insisting sticks with me the most) is the bravery exerted during the blast.  An enormous explosion, smoke everywhere, people screaming and what do some of these men nearby do?  THEY RUN TOWARDS IT!  One explosion, two explosions, they didn’t know if there were more coming!  They had no idea.  It didn’t matter because there are people in this city– in this world– who do not hesitate when a fellow human being is in trouble.  Not friend, not family member, just another person.  You’ve heard the expression, “Like a bat out of hell.”  These people ran INTO the hell.  But not like a squeaky bat, but like a hawk, or eagle.  A big bird with a lot of courage and compassion.

I realized, if there are men in this world who will sacrifice their safety to possibly save a life then for me to be heartbroken over anyone else is a waste of time.  They say there are plenty of fish in the sea, but what they don’t tell you is some of those fish are guppies.  Some are piranhas and some are clown-fish.  But if you wait, and you look really closely, you’ll notice a lot of those fish are really smart dolphins, or emotionally strong whales.  And you might be saying to me, “Danielle, those aren’t fish.  Those are mammals.”  And to that I say, “With an attitude like that, you’re gonna end up with a shrimp.”  And to that you might say, “A shrimp is a crustacean.”  And to that I say, “Boston Strong, fahk you, if it’s at the New England Aquarium it’s fair game.”

So the moral of this story is don’t try to have sex with me unless you’ve saved at least three lives.  Or, if you’re not okay with me calling you “Officer” in the process.

I’ll love you forever, Boston!  You’re my home.


The Best OKCupid Message I Ever Got

21 Dec

hey – so im not messaging you for a date – i dont think were a great match. 

but you seem like a nice person and youre definitely pretty so I figured, from one online dating profile to another, id give you a little bit of advice. 

your main photo, as a thumbnail, makes it look as if you have a giant unibrow. You DONT have a giant unibrow. So if I were you, I would move that further down the list of photos so you can only see it up close. Otherwise…unibrow. 

Just figured if I had the same thing, Id appreciate it.

Muddy Enemies

6 Dec


9 cups Rice Chex®, Corn Chex® or Chocolate Chex® cereal (or combination)

1 cup semisweet chocolate chips

1/2 cup peanut butter

1/4 cup butter or margarine

1 teaspoon vanilla

1/2 cups powdered sugar


1. Into large bowl, measure cereal; set aside.

2. In 1-quart microwavable bowl, microwave chocolate chips, peanut butter and butter uncovered on High 1 minute; stir. Microwave about 30 seconds longer or until mixture can be stirred smooth. Stir in vanilla. Pour mixture over cereal, stirring until evenly coated. Pour into 2-gallon resealable food-storage plastic bag.

3.  Add powdered sugar. Seal bag; shake until well coated. Spread on waxed paper to cool. Store in airtight container in refrigerator.

What I Did

1.  Into large bowl, put chocolate chips, powered sugar, and begin to measure peanut butter.

2.  Realize you’ve already fucked this up.

3.  Scream about how this is not fixable.

4.  Do best to scoop chocolate chips out of powdered sugar.

5.  Dump that out and hope you have enough to start over.

6.  Start over.

7.  Into large bowl, mix margarine, chocolate chips, and peanut butter.

8.  Microwave for one minute.

9.  Ask, “Why does it look like this?”

10.  Microwave some more.

11.  Exclaim, “Who’s going to marry me?!!”

12.  Pour out excess liquid from mixture into sink.  Ask, “Was I supposed to do that?”

13.  Measure 8 cups of Chex mix.

14.  Say, “I mean Chex.  Why do I keep calling it Chex-mix??”

15.  Measure 8 cups of chex.

16.  Spill Chex everywhere.

17.  Ask, “Why is this so hard?”

18.  Pour Chex into zip lock bag.

19.  Pour mixture of sweet stuff into zip lock bag.

20.  Pour powdered sugar into zip lock bag.

21.  Close bag.

22.  Shake bag.

23.  Say, “It’s so clumpy!”

24.  Eat some.

25.  Put zip lock bag in freezer.

26.  Clean up.

27.  Eat some.

28.  Ask brother to drive you to super market.

29.  Buy MnM cookies for Dermatology Clinic pot-luck.

30.  Go home.

31.  Eat some more Muddy Buddies.

32.  Clean up.

33.  Don’t cry.

34.  Eat an MnM cookie.

35.  Go to sleep frustrated and annoyed.

EXCEPT!  After all this, my office LOVED my Muddy Buddies and they didn’t poison anyone!  Horay!