Golden Girls Problem Solving

5 Nov

In life we all face very distressing issues that can keep us up at night.  And if you don’t, I wouldn’t want to watch your life as a sitcom.  But if you’re anything like me every couple of weeks some ridiculous issue arises!  You go to your friends, but how many times can they hear, “He’s definitely the one this time!”  So in times of need I turn to four old friends.  Dorothy, Blanche, Rose, and Sophia.  Otherwise known as The Golden Girls.

Problem:  I said “I love you” first!  And he didn’t say it back!

Episode:  Girls Just Wanna Have Fun… Before They Die

How It Helps:  Sophia goes out on a date with dreamboat Tony Del Veccio.  In a moment of romance, she blurts out that she loves him.  When he doesn’t say it back she storms out.  Throughout the episode, she struggles with how to make him come back to her and when he doesn’t she confronts him with honesty.  His reason behind not saying it back is actually quite touching and something Sophia can surely relate to.


Dorothy:  Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

Sophia:  I think I crossed that line when I got a date.


(in bed)

Tony:  Where does a sweet Sicilian girl like you learn to do those things?

Sophia:  I live with a slut.


Sophia:  You care for me?  You care for a cat or a dog or a goat!  When I tell you that I love you and you tell me you care for me??


Sophia:  I just wanted to hear I love you one last time.

Problem:  I fell in love with a married man.

Episode:  That Was No Lady

How It Helps:  Dorothy falls deeply in love with a man who kept his marriage a secret from her.  At first she is determined to break it off, but her love for him brings her back.  What pulls her away again is not morals, not sympathy for a deceived wife, but rather her own self respect and knowing she deserves 100% of a man.


Dorothy:  I am going out with a new man tonight and he is not Italian.  

Blanche:  Who is he?

Dorothy:  His name is Glenn O’Brien.

Rose:  Where did you meet him?

Sophia:  His name is O’Brien, two to one she met him in a gin mill.


Dorothy:  It’s amazing I just made love in the day light.

Glenn:  Why is that amazing?

Dorothy:  You can’t hide anything in the day time.  At night I could be Godzilla you’d be thrilled.


Glenn:  Don’t end this Dorothy.  You mean everything to me.  It’s over with my wife, it’s just hard to walk out is all.

Dorothy:  Well, not for me it isn’t.


Dorothy:  Things aren’t working out anymore and I don’t know what to do to make them any better.  You can’t leave your wife and I’m not cut out to be the other woman.


Glenn:  I thought you understood I can’t break up my marriage.  Not now, not in this stage in my life.  If things didn’t work out between you and me I’d be alone.  That kind of risk is fine when you’re forty, but I couldn’t do that today.  I’m too old for that.

Dorothy:  Glenn, the risk shouldn’t scare you at any age.  And at any age the loving would make it worth while.  You want a safe easy comfortable home life and a romance and excitement on the side and it’s not for me.


Dorothy:  If I continue this I’ll end up alone and I care too much about myself to let that happen.

Glenn:  Dorothy, I love you.

Dorothy:  I love you too.  Goodbye.

Problem:  I’m being sexually harassed.

Episode:  Adult Education

How It Helps:  Blanche is failing her psychology course and is told the only way to pass would be to sleep with the professor.  Situations like these test our confidence in ourselves.  At first Blanche isn’t convinced she has what it takes to pass the course on her own merit.  She accepts the challenge and surprises herself by studying all night, driven by the fact that her professor is a scum-bag.


Blanche:  Oh girls, I have terrible news!  I failed my psychology exam!  


Blanche:  Oh girls, I am devestated just devestated!  I asked my teacher for help like you all told me to and he said the only way I’d get an A on his final is if I sleep with him!

Rose:  No!

Blanche:  Yes!  I just don’t know what to do.

Sophia:  Get it in writing.


Dean Tucker:  Were there any witnesses?

Blanche:  No.

Dean Tucker:  Oh well, that complicates things.

Blanche:  Why?  Don’t you believe me?

Dean Tucker:  It’s not a question of whether or not I believe you, but without substantial evidence it’s your word against his and a man’s career is at stake.

Blanche:  So is mine!  Not to mention my dignity!


Blanche:  I’m declining your offer but I do want to thank you.

Professor Cooper:  For what?

Blanche:  Well thanks to you I studied all day and all night.  And whenever I felt like giving up I would just think about what kind of man you really are and I’d study even harder.  In fact you made me so mad I decided to get an A on this test come hell or high water and I think I did.  I sir, am a lady.  Maybe not the smartest lady in the world but I do know my self respect is more important than passing your damn course.  So you sir, can kiss my A.

Problem:  My friend is dating someone verbally abusive.

Episode:  The Bloom is Off The Rose

How It Helps:  Blanche is dating Rex Huntington.  He is rude, insulting, and always standing her up.  Dorothy is baffled as to why anyone, especially someone as wonderful as Blanche, would let a man treat her this way.  This episode teaches us that sometimes you have to sit back and let your friend make their own mistakes.  Eventually they will see the light and appreciate the fact that you didn’t babysit them.


Dorothy:  I’ve never seen you do anything domestic.

Blanche:  Dorothy!  I’ve done the laundry thousands of times!  By the way, we’re out of blee-ach.


Rose:  Rex Huntington?  Isn’t he the guy who stood you up last week?

Blanche:  Well yeah, he did but I happen to like the man so I’m giving him a second chance.

Dorothy:  That was his second chance, he stood you up the week before that!

Blanche:  You’re enjoying this, aren’t you Dorothy?

Dorothy:  Oh yeah.


Blanche:  Come on, it’s not too late to go out!  I mean, you kept me waiting for hours.

Rex:  No, no, no, I’m sorry baby, I’m tired.

Blanche:  But I’m all dressed up, and I’m wearing your favorite perfume.

Rex:  Hey, I said it was too late to go out.  I guess you think I come over here to get nagged?

Rose:  And to get your laundry, don’t forget your laundry.


Dorothy:  This guy Rex is ruining your self esteem.  DId he say you were fat?

Blanche:  Not in so many words.  But I am starting to wonder if barrel butt really is a term of endearment.  


Rex:  Do you wanna go light a fire under her?

Dorothy:  No I don’t think so.

Rex:  Why not?

Dorothy:  Because I think she’s getting burned enough as it is.


Dorothy:  I can’t stop her from seeing you but I’ll be damned if I’m going to hurry her up.

Rex:  Who do you think you are?

Dorothy:  A friend!


Rex:  If I walk out that door I’m not coming back here again.

Blanche:  That’s a promise I’m gonna see that you keep.

Problem:  My boyfriend is impotent.

Episode:  The Impotence of Being Ernest

How It Helps:  Rose starts dating a man, and for months they never have sex.  Finally, she find out that the reason was because he is impotent.  She sticks it out and eventually he overcomes this issue.  We learn from this episode that good things come to those who wait.  Compassion and understanding are rewarded.  And sometimes a guy with a dick can be a real dick.


Rose:  Ernie’s not the type of guy who wants to hop into bed after one date.

Blanche:  And this is one of his attributes?


Blanche:  Sometimes you have to stoke a man’s fire a little bit.

Sophia:  Words of wisdom from the human torch.


Ernie:  It’s not easy for a man to say, Rose.  I’m impotent.  

Rose:  I see….  (tosses glass of champaign over her shoulder)


Rose:  Well, first he said that I was a very attractive woman.

Blanche and Dorothy:  Yeeeeah?

Rose:  Then he said I was fun to be with.

Blanche and Dorothy:  Yeeeeah?

Rose:  Then he said he was impotent.

Blanche and Dorothy:  Uuuughhhh.

Blanche:  Impotent?  Are you sure?

Dorothy:  Oh Blanche, what would you have done?  Asked him to prove it?


Ernie:  How’s your souffle Rose?

Rose:  Delicious!  I never did get the hang out making these.  Boy, there is nothing more frustrating than waiting for one of these suckers to rise and they just won’t.


Blanche:  You gave him back his manhood.

Rose:  If he can find it he can have it.  He’s probably the worst lover I’ve ever had.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: