The Ways Of The Sober Lady

Many people don’t know this about me but I am a sober living person!  I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t do drugs.  A friend of mine has been considering sobriety so I’ve decided to make a list of

THE WAYS OF THE SOBER LADY!

1)  Don’t be influenced.  People are going to ask you a lot if you want a drink and sometimes you may think you do.  But in reality, it will hurt your tum-tum tomorrow so do like Nancy Regan and just say, “Fuck off, dickhole.”

2)  Ok maybe just one sip.  If you’re at a Sox game and your friend gets two cups of beer and she asks you to hold one it’s okay to take a sip.  Beers at Fenway are like, $11.  It’s like having a sip of a pearl or diamond.

3)  Act drunk but don’t be drunk.  People will admire you for having the bravery to scream in that chick’s face in a totally innapropriate psychotic way.  And then when you say, “Yeah, I wasn’t even drunk,”  they’ll fear you.  And fear = respect.

4)  Try other drugs.  Food is a good one.  Also, shopping.  Also, sex.  Also, stand up comedy.

5) Get lots of attention for being sober.  When people find out you don’t drink, they’ll assume you once had a drinking problem.  They will PRAISE you for getting help.  It is such a great confidence boost!  Tell them whatever feels comfortable.  Whether it’s, “I just decided to give it up because I never drank that much to begin with,”  Or, “The judge is forcing me.”  The truth is nobody’s business. 

Best of luck with your sobriety!  Cheers!