An Open Letter From a Decent Dermatology Receptionist

I wrote this in response to this open letter by Jim Tews.

My name is Danielle Soto. I’m a twenty five year old Chilean Jew, and I’ve worked in a Dermatology office for about two years now. Currently, people of my species make up the majority of Dermatology Receptionists in this country, and we have for a very long time. But today I’d like to talk about what it’s like to be an Octopus who works in a Dermatology office.

Sure, it’s different. As a human woman I have the advantage of having skin which can relate to most Dermatology patients. But if you’re an Octopus (without human skin) you can either conform and act like you have human skin or you can avoid working here all together. I’m open minded and accepting and believe things need to change but things AREN’T going to change. Don’t try. Seriously, stop trying. Stop it. I see you trying!

We get it, you have tentacles. And sometimes people will make comments about those not being hands, and you making the keyboard sticky. Well, all I can say is one thing human beings hate more than anything is being ignored. They hate being ignored more than they hate looking for parking, genocide, or when their human room mate leaves only one drop of milk in the jug. So, just don’t acknowledge them when they say, “Hey dick arms! I need a four month follow up with Dr. Freeman!” DO NOT TRY TO CHANGE ANYTHING.

I feel like even though I’ve never been an octopus, I’ll never be an octopus, and I’m not currently an octopus I can totally talk about what life in the business is like for them. The horrible things that could happen to an octopus (nets, pirates, ink stains, etc.) could never happen to me. The everyday frustrations for an octopus (getting tangled in sea weed, sexual harrassment, etc.) don’t cross my mind at all. I can walk to my car at night through a dimly lit parking lot and not worry in the slightest about a Japanese trawler coming up behind me, shish kabobbing me, and serving me at a bachelorette party on the stomach of a chizzled hottie! (That actually doesn’t sound that bad…)

Being an Ocotpus working in a Dermatology Office is clearly not that difficult. You’s octopi are lucky that humans even LET you in Dermatology clinics. So, just be greatful okay? I’m sensitive and nice. Like, really nice. The kind of nice where I can get away with saying horrible things. In conclusion, don’t hate the playa hate the game.