Don’t Torture Animals

17 May

Today I got an email from a coupon website saying there was a special deal on brazilian waxes.  For those of you who think those are South American candles, think again my friend!  Brazilian waxes are bikini waxes that rip out everything.  For 50% off I could get 100% off.

Then I remembered, wait!  I’ve had a brazilian before.  (Halloween ’07 I had two in one night!)

No, but really.  I did get a brazilian before.  It was back in 2006…. (doodley, doodley, doodley….)

I got a call from my down the street neighbor inviting me to get my coochie waxed with her before our respective vacations.  I agreed, because I’d had my eyebrows done before and yeah it hurts, but only for a second.  And afterwards people don’t mistake you for Bert.  My hopes were that people would stop mistaking my snatch for Snuffy.

So like I said, I agreed.  I met her the morning of– pretty early, too– and we walked around the corner to the nail salon.  The rest is sort of foggy in my memory, but the next thing I remember, I was down in the basement in this little room…  An axe was swinging over head…  No wait…

I was lying on a bed, much like an examining table you’d find in a doctor’s office.  My pants were off!  The woman in there seemed totally nonchalant about the entire thing.  She took some powder, like baby powder, and rubbed it on me.  I thought, “Should she have bought me dinner first?”  She then lathered a thick layer of wax on, and applied the cloth sheet.  There was no turning back.  I thought, “Well, this won’t really–“…  The woman YANKED the piece of cloth off of me, bringing with it most of my hair.

The pain is so intense that for the first five seconds, you can’t speak.  You can’t even breath.  Then it’s like, 3… 2… 1…  “WOW!  Wowwie wow wow, that *really* hurt!  I mean, I’m really surprised I was not expecting that at all I mean that was really something I’ve gotten my eyebrows done but that hurt way way more I am really in a lot of pain wow is that how is usually is because wow that was super intense…”

Without letting me finish my run on sentence, she applied some more wax.  I tried to prepare myself the best I could but it was like preparing yourself to be hit by a car.  A car made of spikes.  And the car is holding a gun in it’s fist.

This continued until finally the woman told me I could relax and roll onto my side.  I thought, “Oh thank you, I guess this is the portion where I cry in a fetal position while she writes up the bill.”

The woman spoke to me, “Hold this…”  I looked, and she was handing me my butt cheek.

“Huh?”  I said, grabbing it from her.

She lathered up in between my cheeks.  I thought, “Well, that’s it.  It’s not really I can say, “Nevermind!  Seal it up, I’ll just puke from now on.”

She put down the cloth and RIPPED!  Surprisingly, did not hurt at all.  I think it’s because it’s so jiggley back there.

I turned over onto my back and she cleaned up some spots with the tweezers.  I cried, and she went, “Hahaha.”  I said, “I hope that’s Korean for ‘sorry you’re in so much pain, this one’s on the house.'”

It didn’t even end up looking that good.  I’m going back to feminism.

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