Ten Rumors You Could Tell About Me

9 Mar

Hi friends,

My career in stand up comedy thus far has been short (3 years) but incredible.  I have been so blessed by getting the opportunities to perform with some of my comedic idols in beautiful venues for terrific supportive audiences.  If you had told me three years ago half the performance opportunities I was offered I would have said you were on crack.  Recently though, I heard some unfortunate and untrue rumors about my journey to where I am professionally and the strategy I used to get there.  The truth is very boring.  Here is the truth:

I went to open mics four times a week when I started.

I write a lot.

I introduce myself to everyone.

I’m friendly.

I’m naturally funny.

That’s it.  That’s the whole thing.  That’s how I got to do any of the fun things I got to do.

And I know that leaves the people who were spreading the rumors and fueling the fire left very disappointed.  I agree– it would have been juicer if the sex rumors had been true!  I’m disappointing you by not being scandalous.  So, to make it up to you, here’s 10 rumors about me that are more believable and amusing than “Danielle Soto slept her way to the top.”

1)  RUMOR:  Danielle Got a Job in Dermatology for the Free Acne Medication.

TRUTH:  You still have to pay for the medication, but I do get free lotion samples!

2)  RUMOR:  Danielle Paints Her Fingernails Wild Colors To Hide A Persistant Fungus

TRUTH:  Not true about my fingernails, more true about my toe nails. :-/

3)  RUMOR:  Danielle is a marijuana dealer.

TRUTH:  Impossible.  I can’t figure out the metric system.

4)  RUMOR:  Danielle’s Freckle Patch is Painted On.

TRUTH:  It’s real, it’s called Nevus Spilus!

5)  RUMOR:  Danielle Breaks Into Her Old High School To Reenact Moments She Wish Had Gone Differently

TRUTH:  Not true, but last night I did have a dream someone actually asked me to the prom.

6)  RUMOR:  Danielle Has Had One Million Boyfriends.

TRUTH:  I’ve had one.  It did not go well.

7)  RUMOR:  Danielle Wears a Nightguard To Bed Because She Believes in The Tooth Fairy (and doesn’t trust her).

TRUTH:  I wear a nightguard because I grind my teeth in my sleep!

8)  RUMOR:  Danielle Used To Own Part of The Washington Wizards.

TRUTH:  I’m not even sure what sport that is.

9)  Danielle is 5’9” like Cindy Crawford.

TRUTH:  Cindy Crawford is 5’10”.

10)  Danielle Cares About What Everyone Thinks Of Her.

TRUTH:  I care what my friends think, and what my family thinks.  The people who love me know my character, not my reputation.  The real me is a Boston girl with dreams of one day following in Fran Drescher’s footsteps to becoming a television star.  I’m a friend, a feminist, a lovah, a sister, a daughter, a Golden Girls fanatic, a Norman Reedus obsesser, and a comedian.  If you’ve heard otherwise, ya heard wrong.

One Response to “Ten Rumors You Could Tell About Me”

  1. Joe Koz March 10, 2014 at 9:34 am #

    The only rumor I’ve heard about you is that you are an incredible Comedian. I can definitely attest to that being true. Don’t forget us little people when you are huge! (And I don’t mean overweight! In that case you can forget us.)

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