I Saved Some Bitch’s Life!

I really wish Brookline would update its Police Blog to 12/27.  Could someone keep an eye on that for me?

So I’m driving home from a gig, I’m about 60 seconds away from my house.  On a dark neighborhood road, I pass what looked like a body lying in the gutter between the sidewalk and the street.

I said to myself, “Self…  You watch too much Law and Order.  But just to be sure, maybe swing by that again.”  So I pulled into a driveway, backed out, and drove passed what was probably a fallen branch to make sure it wasn’t a body.

I looked closely and spotted what was undoubtedly two human hands.  HANDS.  FROM A HUMAN.  Lying in the street was a human being with human hands.  My heart hit the steering wheel.  It pounded over and over like never before.  I knew I had to call 911.

But my phone was completely dead.  I pulled over the car, took out my charger, plugged it into the car’s lighter and turned on my phone.  I said to myself, “If this shit doesn’t turn on in about 10 seconds, I’m gonna have to go bang on someone’s door.”  It was a half hour passed midnight on a Thursday.

My phone turned on and with extremely shaky hands I dialed, 9… 1… 1…  The first dispatcher asked the location of my emergency.  I was transfered to another dispatcher who asked the same question.  I told her.  She said, “What is your emergency?”

“There’s a body!”

“Where?”

“In the street!  There’s a body in the street!  She’s not moving!”

“Ok, do you know where on Mason Terrace you are?”

“No!  I can’t see any house numbers!  I was driving down the street and I thought I saw a body, and then I turned around and it’s definitely a body!”

“Okay, give me your name and phone number.”

I did.

“Alright, I’m sending emergency vehicles right now.  Stay on the line with me, Danielle.”

I looked out my window at the body and saw a man was walking down the street towards her.

“There’s a man!”  I told the dispatcher.  ”Hooo mah gah there’s a man!  He has white sneakers!  He’s going near her!”

I sure this pedestrian was just having the same reaction I had from my car, except this poor shmo was on foot.  Just then I saw blue flashing lights.  I told the dispatcher, “Oh thank Goodness, there’s a cop.”  <– Words I never thought I’d say.  Was it just a few years ago I was saying, “Oh no, the cops are here!”?

The dispatcher told me to tell the office that I was the one who had called 911.  I hung up with her and ran towards the cop.

“I called 9-11!  I called 9-11!”

“Uh, ok.”

The officer shined a light in the body’s face.  She groaned.  He said, “What’s going on?  What’s happened?”

The body smiled and said, “I’m just druuunk!”  The officer looked at me like, is this for reals?

He lifted her up and sat her on some steps.  The body turned to the side and barfed her guts out all over this home’s front steps.  The officer told me to go home.

You might say I ratted this chick out and got her arrested.  But you might also say I saved her from a coyote.