Top Three Netflix Shows

13 Apr

Hello friends!  It has been far too long since I have written!  And part of that reason is because I got a Netflix account.  So I lost a huge chunk of my life.  I’ve missed you all dearly!  To incorporate my new best friend into this blog I have decided to rank my top 3 Netflix shows.

#3– Long Island Medium

long-island-medium-family-4

 

This show has a cast of thousands– most of which are dead.  Theresa Caputo is a psychic medium– a person who is able to connect with spirits who have passed over.  She is a GEM!  Even if she weren’t a Medium, I feel like this would still be a pretty amazing show.  Her kids are hilarious and she is a RIOT.  With the big hair, long nails, and deep devotion to her work with spirits, Theresa invites viewers to share in her experiences both on and off the one way calls to the afterlife.  First three seasons are on Netflix now!

#2– The Walking Dead

Twd-cast-bts-560If you had told me a year ago that I should watch a show about a post apocalyptic world where zombies roam free, I’d have said you don’t know my taste at all.  Well, turns out I’m the one who doesn’t know jack about my taste because I LOVE THIS SHOW.  Particularly seasons 1 and 2.  The only reason I started watching was because Lady Gaga’s Judas was on it.

large

Also known as  Murphy McManus from Boondock Saints.

tumblr_m6ltcnToGD1r3kh5i

That’s right.  I risked sacrificing months of sweet (zombie-free) dreams for Norman Reedus.  And I’d do it again!  This show is seriously awesome.  I like a lot of the characters, not just rough and bothered Daryl Dixon portrayed so brilliantly by the sexy and desirable Norman Reedus.  It is a little scary, but for real– it’s worth it to see Daryl at work.

tumblr_inline_mx5m65LutJ1r3kh5i

 

#1– Ruby

031610_RubyGettinger_web

 

This woman is straight up AMAZING.  Beginning at 700 pounds, Ruby has put her dedication to the test by losing weight the old fashioned way– diet and exercise.  And her “weigh” is working!  Ruby has struggled with a life long addiction to food, which has never gotten in the way of her loving life.  Watching Ruby’s journey is an inspiration to anyone with a goal.  I could (and have) watch this show all day every day.  It’s impossible not to root for this remarkable woman.  If you like people who name their buttocks (“Bertha!”) and make up half their own vocabulary then watching this show will make you VERY hacky!  Not to mention the amusement derived from her hilarious friends, on-again-off-again ex boyfriend drama, and sweet Savannah charm.

 

Now that you have these wonderful suggestions, say goodbye to your friends and family (temporarily) and go enjoy!  xo

 

Ten Rumors You Could Tell About Me

9 Mar

Hi friends,

My career in stand up comedy thus far has been short (3 years) but incredible.  I have been so blessed by getting the opportunities to perform with some of my comedic idols in beautiful venues for terrific supportive audiences.  If you had told me three years ago half the performance opportunities I was offered I would have said you were on crack.  Recently though, I heard some unfortunate and untrue rumors about my journey to where I am professionally and the strategy I used to get there.  The truth is very boring.  Here is the truth:

I went to open mics four times a week when I started.

I write a lot.

I introduce myself to everyone.

I’m friendly.

I’m naturally funny.

That’s it.  That’s the whole thing.  That’s how I got to do any of the fun things I got to do.

And I know that leaves the people who were spreading the rumors and fueling the fire left very disappointed.  I agree– it would have been juicer if the sex rumors had been true!  I’m disappointing you by not being scandalous.  So, to make it up to you, here’s 10 rumors about me that are more believable and amusing than “Danielle Soto slept her way to the top.”

1)  RUMOR:  Danielle Got a Job in Dermatology for the Free Acne Medication.

TRUTH:  You still have to pay for the medication, but I do get free lotion samples!

2)  RUMOR:  Danielle Paints Her Fingernails Wild Colors To Hide A Persistant Fungus

TRUTH:  Not true about my fingernails, more true about my toe nails. :-/

3)  RUMOR:  Danielle is a marijuana dealer.

TRUTH:  Impossible.  I can’t figure out the metric system.

4)  RUMOR:  Danielle’s Freckle Patch is Painted On.

TRUTH:  It’s real, it’s called Nevus Spilus!

5)  RUMOR:  Danielle Breaks Into Her Old High School To Reenact Moments She Wish Had Gone Differently

TRUTH:  Not true, but last night I did have a dream someone actually asked me to the prom.

6)  RUMOR:  Danielle Has Had One Million Boyfriends.

TRUTH:  I’ve had one.  It did not go well.

7)  RUMOR:  Danielle Wears a Nightguard To Bed Because She Believes in The Tooth Fairy (and doesn’t trust her).

TRUTH:  I wear a nightguard because I grind my teeth in my sleep!

8)  RUMOR:  Danielle Used To Own Part of The Washington Wizards.

TRUTH:  I’m not even sure what sport that is.

9)  Danielle is 5’9” like Cindy Crawford.

TRUTH:  Cindy Crawford is 5’10”.

10)  Danielle Cares About What Everyone Thinks Of Her.

TRUTH:  I care what my friends think, and what my family thinks.  The people who love me know my character, not my reputation.  The real me is a Boston girl with dreams of one day following in Fran Drescher’s footsteps to becoming a television star.  I’m a friend, a feminist, a lovah, a sister, a daughter, a Golden Girls fanatic, a Norman Reedus obsesser, and a comedian.  If you’ve heard otherwise, ya heard wrong.

10 Reasons To See The Vagina Monologues

11 Feb

1)  College students will be moaning.

2)  You get to scream the C-Word without risk of being elbowed in the rib!

3)  Supporting local theater is the coolest.

4)  I’ll be wearing My Short Skirt.

5)  You’ll learn about some bad things that are happening to women all around the world, and also learn how to help.

6)  It’d make a hot Valentines Day date!

7)  When you tell your friends you went to see The Vagina Monologues, they’ll be like, “Whoa, you’re so comfortable with your masculinity!”  Which you can respond with either, “Thanks!” or, “HEY!  I’m a GIRL!”

8)  You’ll learn like a bajillion new words for a vagina. #coochiesnorcher

9)  At MIT they measured my Vagina and it’s 3.14″.  Now maybe someone will eat it.  #MATHJOKES

10)  If you see the show, and receive the message, and tell your kids to go see it, and they receive the message, then maybe in a few generations, the monologues will become history and fiction.  And violence against women will be a thing of the past!!

vagina banner

Upcoming Shows!!

6 Feb

sunday show VagMon Timeline

Comedy Vocabulary

19 Dec

Have you ever been talking to a stand up comedian and thought, “What the hell is this person talking about??”  Happens to me everyday.  Here are some helpful vocabulary words to help you understand what dafuq is going on.

Blue- (adjective) A comic who tells dirty jokes. “You’re too blue to work in this Downtown Disney club!  Children come here!”

Bombed- (verb) When a comic performs very poorly.  Also known as, “Eating A Dick.”  “They hated me, I completely bombed.  They threw tomato sauce cans at me.”

Booked Open Mic- (noun)  A place to practice jokes, which requires you to sign up in advance. “I’d invite you to come along, but it’s a booked open mic.”

Booker- (noun)  The person who invites comics to be on the show. “The booker told me she would let me open if I… (whisper whisper whisper).”

Bringer- (adjective)  A show that require performers to bring a certain amount of people.  “Please please PLEASE come to this show, I need four bringers or I can’t perform!”

Bumped- (verb)  When a comic shows up to an open mic which they weren’t on the list for, and get to immediately go on stage.  “Louis CK bumped me.  So, in a way, I opened for Louis CK.”

Check Drop- (verb)  The part of the show where the wait-staff gives the patrons their checks, and they completely lose interest in the show.  “I did my most racist material duing the check drop.”

Crowd Work- (verb)  When a comic talks to the audience and bounces jokes off their responses. “I’m like Barbara Walters with my crowd work.  Where you from?  What do you do?  Are you a closeted homosexual?”

Do Time- (verb)  What it’s called when you perform a set.  “I just showed up to drop off these cartons of mangos, and the booker asked if I wanted to do time.”

Dropped In- (verb) When a comic is not booked on a show but comes and does time anyway. “I was at the Comedy Studio when Sandra Bullock dropped in.  No, I wasn’t.  But I heard it was cool.”

Feature- (noun) The performer who goes after the opener, and before the headliner. “During the feature act, I went outside to make out with my boyfriend in the parking lot.  Alright, it was just some guy.  But still.  It was hot.”

Femedian- (noun) A female stand up comedian who is supportive of and cheers on other female comedians. “There are so many wonderful things about being a Femedian, and supporting them too!”

Green- (adjective) Describes a newer comic.  “It was his fifth time on stage, he’s pretty green.  But he did thirty minutes anyway.”

Guest Spot- (noun) An unpaid set on a show, usually not advertised.  “I was just showing up to tell everyone about the British coming, and the booker let me do a guest spot.”

Hacks- (noun) A terrible performer.  “He did fifteen minutes of knock-knock jokes.  And they all ended in the N-word.  He’s kind of a hack.”

Headliner- (noun) The last performer on the show, usually who the majority of the audience is there to see.  “The headliner has been on Last Comic Standing, Dancing With The Stars, The Tonight Show, and I heard he once rode inside a Macy’s Day float.”

Heckler- (noun) A person in the audience who talks during a show.  Not always yelling, “BOO!” but anyone who disrupts the show by trying to participate. “This heckler would NOT STOP talking the entire show so I shot him in the throat with a cross-bow.  I’m waiting to hear back about the court date.”

Host- (noun) The performer who does time at the beginning of the show, and then introduces the other comics to the stage. “When I hosted at Winner’s Circle, I brought the audience salt water taffey candies.  It was a great way to get rid of them.”

Killed- (verb) When a performer does very very well on a show.  “An audience member litterally peed her pants.  I killed.  I destroyed.  I crushed.”

Opener- (noun) The first performer on the show, before the feature.  “The opener was a guy visiting from Arizona.  He lost two fingers in the snow.”

Open Mic’er- (noun) Someone who is new and not yet being invited to perform on booked shows.  It can be used in a derogatory manner. “Your opinion is not going to be taken into consideration because you’re just an open mic’er, so how could you possibly know what we should get as a pizza topping?”

Premise- (noun) The overall idea or theme of a joke.  “It was a good premise, but it wasn’t well executed.  Now, Ted Bundy.  HE was well executed!”

Punchline- (noun) The funny part of a joke.  “That punchline was the line that really punched me in the funny bone!”

Road Comic- (noun) A performer who primary travels around performing. “Need a safe barn to sleep in when you visit Minnesota?  Ask that road comic, she’d know.”

Road Show- (noun) A show that isn’t where the comic locally performs.  “I always get wicked car sick on road shows.”

Room- (noun) Club, theater, bar, art gallery, or basement where stand up comedy is happening.  “Whose room is the best for really blue comics?”

Set- (noun) A performer’s performance.  “The first half of his set went great, the second half went bananas.”

Set List- (noun) The jokes a comic chooses to tell.  “Could you please stop telling me about your back surgery?  I’m trying to work on my set list.”

Set Up- (noun)  The part of the joke that leads to the punchline.  “Judging my the set up, I thought it was going to be a dick joke.  But then it wasn’t!”

Show and Go- (noun) An open mic which is not booked, anyone can perform.  “Get out of my way, jerks!  I’m going to a show and go and I can’t be late!” 

Showcase Show- (noun) A show that has many comedians booked.  “I was the sixth comic on the show.  That’s a good spot because the audience is warmed up but not yet hammered.”

Stretch- (verb) Do more time, keep going, tell more jokes.  “The headliner was stuck in traffic behind a Pride Parade, so I had to stretch.”

Tag- (noun) A part of a joke used to get a second or third laugh.  “You could write like, two or three more tags for that joke.  Keep going!  Keep tagging!  And as a person whose never done stand up you should definitely take my advice.”

The Light- (noun) A way the club indicated to the performer that they have one more minute left on stage.  “I kept giving him the light but he just kept talking!  I’m never booking this pirate again!”

The List- (noun) At an open mic, this is where the comics sign up to perform.  “‘Scuse me, I’m just gonna check the list.  Wanna see where I’m going up so lemme just check the list.  Sorry, excuse me, just gonna take a peek at the list.  Been here  twenty minutes, hasn’t been my turn yet, gotta check the list.”

Tight Five- (noun) The best five minutes of material a comic has.  “I went on Letterman and did my tight five.  Then he handed me a million dollar bill for my efforts.  Nice guy, nice guy.”

Golden Girls Problem Solving

5 Nov

In life we all face very distressing issues that can keep us up at night.  And if you don’t, I wouldn’t want to watch your life as a sitcom.  But if you’re anything like me every couple of weeks some ridiculous issue arises!  You go to your friends, but how many times can they hear, “He’s definitely the one this time!”  So in times of need I turn to four old friends.  Dorothy, Blanche, Rose, and Sophia.  Otherwise known as The Golden Girls.

 

Problem:  I said “I love you” first!  And he didn’t say it back!

Episode:  Girls Just Wanna Have Fun… Before They Die

How It Helps:  Sophia goes out on a date with dreamboat Tony Del Veccio.  In a moment of romance, she blurts out that she loves him.  When he doesn’t say it back she storms out.  Throughout the episode, she struggles with how to make him come back to her and when he doesn’t she confronts him with honesty.  His reason behind not saying it back is actually quite touching and something Sophia can surely relate to.

Quotes:  

Dorothy:  Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

Sophia:  I think I crossed that line when I got a date.

***

(in bed)

Tony:  Where does a sweet Sicilian girl like you learn to do those things?

Sophia:  I live with a slut.

***

Sophia:  You care for me?  You care for a cat or a dog or a goat!  When I tell you that I love you and you tell me you care for me??

***

Sophia:  I just wanted to hear I love you one last time.

 

Problem:  I fell in love with a married man.

Episode:  That Was No Lady

How It Helps:  Dorothy falls deeply in love with a man who kept his marriage a secret from her.  At first she is determined to break it off, but her love for him brings her back.  What pulls her away again is not morals, not sympathy for a deceived wife, but rather her own self respect and knowing she deserves 100% of a man.

Quotes: 

Dorothy:  I am going out with a new man tonight and he is not Italian.  

Blanche:  Who is he?

Dorothy:  His name is Glenn O’Brien.

Rose:  Where did you meet him?

Sophia:  His name is O’Brien, two to one she met him in a gin mill.

***

Dorothy:  It’s amazing I just made love in the day light.

Glenn:  Why is that amazing?

Dorothy:  You can’t hide anything in the day time.  At night I could be Godzilla you’d be thrilled.

***

Glenn:  Don’t end this Dorothy.  You mean everything to me.  It’s over with my wife, it’s just hard to walk out is all.

Dorothy:  Well, not for me it isn’t.

***

Dorothy:  Things aren’t working out anymore and I don’t know what to do to make them any better.  You can’t leave your wife and I’m not cut out to be the other woman.

***

Glenn:  I thought you understood I can’t break up my marriage.  Not now, not in this stage in my life.  If things didn’t work out between you and me I’d be alone.  That kind of risk is fine when you’re forty, but I couldn’t do that today.  I’m too old for that.

Dorothy:  Glenn, the risk shouldn’t scare you at any age.  And at any age the loving would make it worth while.  You want a safe easy comfortable home life and a romance and excitement on the side and it’s not for me.

***

Dorothy:  If I continue this I’ll end up alone and I care too much about myself to let that happen.

Glenn:  Dorothy, I love you.

Dorothy:  I love you too.  Goodbye.

 

Problem:  I’m being sexually harassed.

Episode:  Adult Education

How It Helps:  Blanche is failing her psychology course and is told the only way to pass would be to sleep with the professor.  Situations like these test our confidence in ourselves.  At first Blanche isn’t convinced she has what it takes to pass the course on her own merit.  She accepts the challenge and surprises herself by studying all night, driven by the fact that her professor is a scum-bag.  

Quotes:

Blanche:  Oh girls, I have terrible news!  I failed my psychology exam!  

***

Blanche:  Oh girls, I am devestated just devestated!  I asked my teacher for help like you all told me to and he said the only way I’d get an A on his final is if I sleep with him!

Rose:  No!

Blanche:  Yes!  I just don’t know what to do.

Sophia:  Get it in writing.

***

Dean Tucker:  Were there any witnesses?

Blanche:  No.

Dean Tucker:  Oh well, that complicates things.

Blanche:  Why?  Don’t you believe me?

Dean Tucker:  It’s not a question of whether or not I believe you, but without substantial evidence it’s your word against his and a man’s career is at stake.

Blanche:  So is mine!  Not to mention my dignity!

***

Blanche:  I’m declining your offer but I do want to thank you.

Professor Cooper:  For what?

Blanche:  Well thanks to you I studied all day and all night.  And whenever I felt like giving up I would just think about what kind of man you really are and I’d study even harder.  In fact you made me so mad I decided to get an A on this test come hell or high water and I think I did.  I sir, am a lady.  Maybe not the smartest lady in the world but I do know my self respect is more important than passing your damn course.  So you sir, can kiss my A.

 

Problem:  My friend is dating someone verbally abusive.

Episode:  The Bloom is Off The Rose

How It Helps:  Blanche is dating Rex Huntington.  He is rude, insulting, and always standing her up.  Dorothy is baffled as to why anyone, especially someone as wonderful as Blanche, would let a man treat her this way.  This episode teaches us that sometimes you have to sit back and let your friend make their own mistakes.  Eventually they will see the light and appreciate the fact that you didn’t babysit them.

Quotes:  

Dorothy:  I’ve never seen you do anything domestic.

Blanche:  Dorothy!  I’ve done the laundry thousands of times!  By the way, we’re out of blee-ach.

***

Rose:  Rex Huntington?  Isn’t he the guy who stood you up last week?

Blanche:  Well yeah, he did but I happen to like the man so I’m giving him a second chance.

Dorothy:  That was his second chance, he stood you up the week before that!

Blanche:  You’re enjoying this, aren’t you Dorothy?

Dorothy:  Oh yeah.

***

Blanche:  Come on, it’s not too late to go out!  I mean, you kept me waiting for hours.

Rex:  No, no, no, I’m sorry baby, I’m tired.

Blanche:  But I’m all dressed up, and I’m wearing your favorite perfume.

Rex:  Hey, I said it was too late to go out.  I guess you think I come over here to get nagged?

Rose:  And to get your laundry, don’t forget your laundry.

***

Dorothy:  This guy Rex is ruining your self esteem.  DId he say you were fat?

Blanche:  Not in so many words.  But I am starting to wonder if barrel butt really is a term of endearment.  

***

Rex:  Do you wanna go light a fire under her?

Dorothy:  No I don’t think so.

Rex:  Why not?

Dorothy:  Because I think she’s getting burned enough as it is.

***

Dorothy:  I can’t stop her from seeing you but I’ll be damned if I’m going to hurry her up.

Rex:  Who do you think you are?

Dorothy:  A friend!

***

Rex:  If I walk out that door I’m not coming back here again.

Blanche:  That’s a promise I’m gonna see that you keep.

 

Problem:  My boyfriend is impotent.  

Episode:  The Impotence of Being Ernest

How It Helps:  Rose starts dating a man, and for months they never have sex.  Finally, she find out that the reason was because he is impotent.  She sticks it out and eventually he overcomes this issue.  We learn from this episode that good things come to those who wait.  Compassion and understanding are rewarded.  And sometimes a guy with a dick can be a real dick.

Quotes:  

Rose:  Ernie’s not the type of guy who wants to hop into bed after one date.

Blanche:  And this is one of his attributes?

***

Blanche:  Sometimes you have to stoke a man’s fire a little bit.

Sophia:  Words of wisdom from the human torch.

***

Ernie:  It’s not easy for a man to say, Rose.  I’m impotent.  

Rose:  I see….  (tosses glass of champaign over her shoulder)

***

Rose:  Well, first he said that I was a very attractive woman.

Blanche and Dorothy:  Yeeeeah?

Rose:  Then he said I was fun to be with.

Blanche and Dorothy:  Yeeeeah?

Rose:  Then he said he was impotent.

Blanche and Dorothy:  Uuuughhhh.

Blanche:  Impotent?  Are you sure?

Dorothy:  Oh Blanche, what would you have done?  Asked him to prove it?

***

Ernie:  How’s your souffle Rose?

Rose:  Delicious!  I never did get the hang out making these.  Boy, there is nothing more frustrating than waiting for one of these suckers to rise and they just won’t.

***

Blanche:  You gave him back his manhood.

Rose:  If he can find it he can have it.  He’s probably the worst lover I’ve ever had.

New Flyer!

22 Oct

Image

How To Call a Dermatology Office

23 Aug

When I’m not jet setting across the country in a gold plane with diamond oxygen masks performing at fabulous comedy festivals, I work in a dermatology clinic.  It’s somewhat less fabuloso!  I get a lot of calls from nice patients, angry patients, itchy patients, but the worst– and I do feel bad saying this– is the dumb patient.  OMG, how are you so stupid?  To be fair, maybe it’s the first time you’ve ever used a telephone.  But here are some tips for if you’re an itchy moron:

1)  Let the receptionist lead the conversation.  I will let you know what I need from you.  Do you have your ID number or social?  Have you been seen here in the past?  These are things I will ask, and I’d rather ask them BEFORE you start talking about your condition for 20 minutes straight.  I’m not a nurse.  If you say something is pussing, I will vomit.

2)  “I’d like to set up an appointment for my son…”  If this conversation continues and your son’s date of birth is before 1995, hang up.  Pour your son a shot of whiskey and sit him in front of the TV showing whatever they do in the stock market.  Tell him to grow dafuq up and make his own appointments.

3)  Know your name.  You honetly think I’m joking.  I’ll say, “What’s your name?”  “Ruth Jones.”  “I don’t have a Ruth Jones in the system, are you registered?” “Yes!  I was there last week! Ruth Jones!”  “R-U-T-H?”  “Yes!”  “R as in rain?  U s in umbrella for the rain?…”  “YES!”  “I can’t find you here.”  “Oh, maybe it’s under Cassandra.  That’s my legal name.”  “Well then who the hell is calling you Ruth?!!”

4)  Be prepared.  “I’d like to make an appointment.  Hang on, my calendar’s in the other room.”  “I’d like a refill on a medication, I don’t know the name but it’s for my skin.”  Yep, this is dermatology.  Everything’s for your skin. 

5)  Don’t scream at me.  Ever.  Nobody goes to college to one day dream of answering phones in an office.  I would love to find you an appointment the one day you’re available, but if I have nothing open then I got nothin’!  I’m not saying no because I’m a prick.  I have no idea why you received a bill.  I have no idea why your prior authorization didn’t go through.  I have no idea why your nose fell off and splashed in your coffee mug.  And saying, “I know it’s not your fault,” doesn’t mean you’re not still yelling at me. 

Be good to your receptionists!  Sometimes there are strings that can be pulled, and I can help those who are nice and sweet to me.  Or at the very least I can snag you some sunscreen samples.

Femedians: It Gets Worse Playing Cards!

13 Aug

fem danielle fem india fem lauren fem mariel

Sometimes A Bitch Has Got To Be Direct

12 Aug

okc!!“Hey there, would you be interested in taking my friend’s virginity?  He’s the one mentioned in my profile.”

“How old is he?”

“He’s 21.”

“I lost my virginity at 23.  He can wait.”

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.