S&JS

21 Sep

Hey friends,

It’s been way too long since I updated.  Crazy fun things have been happening.  One moment in particular that gave me a boner was that Steve and Josie Stevens accepted my invitation and came to my show at the Comedy Store.  And Josie was kind enough to Tweet about me to her followers.  They’re the nicest people, and I’m so happy they were able to come out.  Don’t forget to wish Josie a happy birthday this upcoming Thursday, the 24th.

I’ll update more soon.  I just got back from Seattle for my cousin’s wedding and I’m BEAT!  But if you’re up to no good later, come by Flapper’s 9pm Show and share some of that naughtiness with ya girl.

xoxo

 

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I’m Doing a Guest Spot On This Show Tomorrow Night!

27 Jun

 

 

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New Video!

25 Jun

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July 7th Show in North Hollywood

24 Jun

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I’m moving to Los Angeles tomorrow

4 Jun

CBS, Wednesday nights, 8pm:  The Nanny.  I marveled at Fran Drescher and thought, “That’s what I want to do.”

I watched Punky Brewster, Elaine Benes, Chrissy Snow, Blair Warner… The Golden Girls.  I heard studio audiences laughing and applauding as Blanche rebounded from another failed attempt at love.  “That’s really what I want to do.  Forever.”

I love to entertain.  To call it a passion seems like an understatement.  I was inspired by the women listed above and so many more, and I want a shot to show the world I’m half as amazing.  So, in March with help from my friend Ellie I made the extremely difficult decision to quit my job at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston, Massachusetts and move 3,000 miles away from my friends, family, and familiar stages to Los Angeles, California.

I’ve had to say a few very difficult goodbyes so far (nothing will compare to Dad and Brother tomorrow at the airport.)  But yeah, I’ve been crying a LOT.  It’s really heartbreaking and I can’t believe this is reality.

Knowing tonight was my last night at home, my seven year old sister was crying in my dad’s arms.  She couldn’t look at him or me.  I didn’t want her to see me crying, but I scooped her up and carried her into her bedroom where we cried in each other’s arms.  I said, “I love you, I love you, I’m so proud of you, and I couldn’t have asked for a better sister.”  She told me she was sad that I was leaving.  She said she would come visit and we’d go to Disney Land.  She asked me, “When you move to California, will you still cheer for the Red Sox?” I said, “I can go to LA, New York, Miami, China… Anywhere. I will always be a Boston girl.”

I feel scared, but I don’t know why.  I’m not afraid of failure.  I really believe that I will end up exactly where I should be.  Whether that’s on the cover of every magazine in the supermarket, or in a suburb of Boston with a husband and two kids.  I am a woman of faith and I trust completely I’ll be guided to where I need to be.

There’s this scene from one of my favorite movies, Selena, where she has a press conference in Mexico.  Her dad tells her, “Your Spanish has to be PERFECT.  If not, they will rip you to pieces.”  She goes, “Don’t worry Dad, I got this.”  During the press conference, she’s asked how she feels about her upcoming tour.  She replies, “Me siento muy…  Me siento muy… (long pause)  …EXCITED!”  Everyone busts out laughing and applauding.  That’s exactly how I feel.  Can’t really put it into the right words, pero me siento muy excited.

I don’t know what the future holds.  I don’t know where I’ll be next year (I’m not even 100% sure about next WEEK!)  But all I know is I will work so hard (that is a promise), I will never change who I am in my heart, and I will never ever forget all the love, support, encouragement, and kindness I received during my time in Boston.  I love you all wicked hard.

xo,

Danielle

Top Three Netflix Shows

13 Apr

Hello friends!  It has been far too long since I have written!  And part of that reason is because I got a Netflix account.  So I lost a huge chunk of my life.  I’ve missed you all dearly!  To incorporate my new best friend into this blog I have decided to rank my top 3 Netflix shows.

#3– Long Island Medium

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This show has a cast of thousands– most of which are dead.  Theresa Caputo is a psychic medium– a person who is able to connect with spirits who have passed over.  She is a GEM!  Even if she weren’t a Medium, I feel like this would still be a pretty amazing show.  Her kids are hilarious and she is a RIOT.  With the big hair, long nails, and deep devotion to her work with spirits, Theresa invites viewers to share in her experiences both on and off the one way calls to the afterlife.  First three seasons are on Netflix now!

#2– The Walking Dead

Twd-cast-bts-560If you had told me a year ago that I should watch a show about a post apocalyptic world where zombies roam free, I’d have said you don’t know my taste at all.  Well, turns out I’m the one who doesn’t know jack about my taste because I LOVE THIS SHOW.  Particularly seasons 1 and 2.  The only reason I started watching was because Lady Gaga’s Judas was on it.

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Also known as  Murphy McManus from Boondock Saints.

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That’s right.  I risked sacrificing months of sweet (zombie-free) dreams for Norman Reedus.  And I’d do it again!  This show is seriously awesome.  I like a lot of the characters, not just rough and bothered Daryl Dixon portrayed so brilliantly by the sexy and desirable Norman Reedus.  It is a little scary, but for real– it’s worth it to see Daryl at work.

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#1– Ruby

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This woman is straight up AMAZING.  Beginning at 700 pounds, Ruby has put her dedication to the test by losing weight the old fashioned way– diet and exercise.  And her “weigh” is working!  Ruby has struggled with a life long addiction to food, which has never gotten in the way of her loving life.  Watching Ruby’s journey is an inspiration to anyone with a goal.  I could (and have) watch this show all day every day.  It’s impossible not to root for this remarkable woman.  If you like people who name their buttocks (“Bertha!”) and make up half their own vocabulary then watching this show will make you VERY hacky!  Not to mention the amusement derived from her hilarious friends, on-again-off-again ex boyfriend drama, and sweet Savannah charm.

 

Now that you have these wonderful suggestions, say goodbye to your friends and family (temporarily) and go enjoy!  xo

 

Ten Rumors You Could Tell About Me

9 Mar

Hi friends,

My career in stand up comedy thus far has been short (3 years) but incredible.  I have been so blessed by getting the opportunities to perform with some of my comedic idols in beautiful venues for terrific supportive audiences.  If you had told me three years ago half the performance opportunities I was offered I would have said you were on crack.  Recently though, I heard some unfortunate and untrue rumors about my journey to where I am professionally and the strategy I used to get there.  The truth is very boring.  Here is the truth:

I went to open mics four times a week when I started.

I write a lot.

I introduce myself to everyone.

I’m friendly.

I’m naturally funny.

That’s it.  That’s the whole thing.  That’s how I got to do any of the fun things I got to do.

And I know that leaves the people who were spreading the rumors and fueling the fire left very disappointed.  I agree– it would have been juicer if the sex rumors had been true!  I’m disappointing you by not being scandalous.  So, to make it up to you, here’s 10 rumors about me that are more believable and amusing than “Danielle Soto slept her way to the top.”

1)  RUMOR:  Danielle Got a Job in Dermatology for the Free Acne Medication.

TRUTH:  You still have to pay for the medication, but I do get free lotion samples!

2)  RUMOR:  Danielle Paints Her Fingernails Wild Colors To Hide A Persistant Fungus

TRUTH:  Not true about my fingernails, more true about my toe nails. :-/

3)  RUMOR:  Danielle is a marijuana dealer.

TRUTH:  Impossible.  I can’t figure out the metric system.

4)  RUMOR:  Danielle’s Freckle Patch is Painted On.

TRUTH:  It’s real, it’s called Nevus Spilus!

5)  RUMOR:  Danielle Breaks Into Her Old High School To Reenact Moments She Wish Had Gone Differently

TRUTH:  Not true, but last night I did have a dream someone actually asked me to the prom.

6)  RUMOR:  Danielle Has Had One Million Boyfriends.

TRUTH:  I’ve had one.  It did not go well.

7)  RUMOR:  Danielle Wears a Nightguard To Bed Because She Believes in The Tooth Fairy (and doesn’t trust her).

TRUTH:  I wear a nightguard because I grind my teeth in my sleep!

8)  RUMOR:  Danielle Used To Own Part of The Washington Wizards.

TRUTH:  I’m not even sure what sport that is.

9)  Danielle is 5’9” like Cindy Crawford.

TRUTH:  Cindy Crawford is 5’10”.

10)  Danielle Cares About What Everyone Thinks Of Her.

TRUTH:  I care what my friends think, and what my family thinks.  The people who love me know my character, not my reputation.  The real me is a Boston girl with dreams of one day following in Fran Drescher’s footsteps to becoming a television star.  I’m a friend, a feminist, a lovah, a sister, a daughter, a Golden Girls fanatic, a Norman Reedus obsesser, and a comedian.  If you’ve heard otherwise, ya heard wrong.

10 Reasons To See The Vagina Monologues

11 Feb

1)  College students will be moaning.

2)  You get to scream the C-Word without risk of being elbowed in the rib!

3)  Supporting local theater is the coolest.

4)  I’ll be wearing My Short Skirt.

5)  You’ll learn about some bad things that are happening to women all around the world, and also learn how to help.

6)  It’d make a hot Valentines Day date!

7)  When you tell your friends you went to see The Vagina Monologues, they’ll be like, “Whoa, you’re so comfortable with your masculinity!”  Which you can respond with either, “Thanks!” or, “HEY!  I’m a GIRL!”

8)  You’ll learn like a bajillion new words for a vagina. #coochiesnorcher

9)  At MIT they measured my Vagina and it’s 3.14″.  Now maybe someone will eat it.  #MATHJOKES

10)  If you see the show, and receive the message, and tell your kids to go see it, and they receive the message, then maybe in a few generations, the monologues will become history and fiction.  And violence against women will be a thing of the past!!

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Upcoming Shows!!

6 Feb

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Comedy Vocabulary

19 Dec

Have you ever been talking to a stand up comedian and thought, “What the hell is this person talking about??”  Happens to me everyday.  Here are some helpful vocabulary words to help you understand what dafuq is going on.

Blue- (adjective) A comic who tells dirty jokes. “You’re too blue to work in this Downtown Disney club!  Children come here!”

Bombed- (verb) When a comic performs very poorly.  Also known as, “Eating A Dick.”  “They hated me, I completely bombed.  They threw tomato sauce cans at me.”

Booked Open Mic- (noun)  A place to practice jokes, which requires you to sign up in advance. “I’d invite you to come along, but it’s a booked open mic.”

Booker- (noun)  The person who invites comics to be on the show. “The booker told me she would let me open if I… (whisper whisper whisper).”

Bringer- (adjective)  A show that require performers to bring a certain amount of people.  “Please please PLEASE come to this show, I need four bringers or I can’t perform!”

Bumped- (verb)  When a comic shows up to an open mic which they weren’t on the list for, and get to immediately go on stage.  “Louis CK bumped me.  So, in a way, I opened for Louis CK.”

Check Drop- (verb)  The part of the show where the wait-staff gives the patrons their checks, and they completely lose interest in the show.  “I did my most racist material duing the check drop.”

Crowd Work- (verb)  When a comic talks to the audience and bounces jokes off their responses. “I’m like Barbara Walters with my crowd work.  Where you from?  What do you do?  Are you a closeted homosexual?”

Do Time- (verb)  What it’s called when you perform a set.  “I just showed up to drop off these cartons of mangos, and the booker asked if I wanted to do time.”

Dropped In- (verb) When a comic is not booked on a show but comes and does time anyway. “I was at the Comedy Studio when Sandra Bullock dropped in.  No, I wasn’t.  But I heard it was cool.”

Feature- (noun) The performer who goes after the opener, and before the headliner. “During the feature act, I went outside to make out with my boyfriend in the parking lot.  Alright, it was just some guy.  But still.  It was hot.”

Femedian- (noun) A female stand up comedian who is supportive of and cheers on other female comedians. “There are so many wonderful things about being a Femedian, and supporting them too!”

Green- (adjective) Describes a newer comic.  “It was his fifth time on stage, he’s pretty green.  But he did thirty minutes anyway.”

Guest Spot- (noun) An unpaid set on a show, usually not advertised.  “I was just showing up to tell everyone about the British coming, and the booker let me do a guest spot.”

Hacks- (noun) A terrible performer.  “He did fifteen minutes of knock-knock jokes.  And they all ended in the N-word.  He’s kind of a hack.”

Headliner- (noun) The last performer on the show, usually who the majority of the audience is there to see.  “The headliner has been on Last Comic Standing, Dancing With The Stars, The Tonight Show, and I heard he once rode inside a Macy’s Day float.”

Heckler- (noun) A person in the audience who talks during a show.  Not always yelling, “BOO!” but anyone who disrupts the show by trying to participate. “This heckler would NOT STOP talking the entire show so I shot him in the throat with a cross-bow.  I’m waiting to hear back about the court date.”

Host- (noun) The performer who does time at the beginning of the show, and then introduces the other comics to the stage. “When I hosted at Winner’s Circle, I brought the audience salt water taffey candies.  It was a great way to get rid of them.”

Killed- (verb) When a performer does very very well on a show.  “An audience member litterally peed her pants.  I killed.  I destroyed.  I crushed.”

Opener- (noun) The first performer on the show, before the feature.  “The opener was a guy visiting from Arizona.  He lost two fingers in the snow.”

Open Mic’er- (noun) Someone who is new and not yet being invited to perform on booked shows.  It can be used in a derogatory manner. “Your opinion is not going to be taken into consideration because you’re just an open mic’er, so how could you possibly know what we should get as a pizza topping?”

Premise- (noun) The overall idea or theme of a joke.  “It was a good premise, but it wasn’t well executed.  Now, Ted Bundy.  HE was well executed!”

Punchline- (noun) The funny part of a joke.  “That punchline was the line that really punched me in the funny bone!”

Road Comic- (noun) A performer who primary travels around performing. “Need a safe barn to sleep in when you visit Minnesota?  Ask that road comic, she’d know.”

Road Show- (noun) A show that isn’t where the comic locally performs.  “I always get wicked car sick on road shows.”

Room- (noun) Club, theater, bar, art gallery, or basement where stand up comedy is happening.  “Whose room is the best for really blue comics?”

Set- (noun) A performer’s performance.  “The first half of his set went great, the second half went bananas.”

Set List- (noun) The jokes a comic chooses to tell.  “Could you please stop telling me about your back surgery?  I’m trying to work on my set list.”

Set Up- (noun)  The part of the joke that leads to the punchline.  “Judging my the set up, I thought it was going to be a dick joke.  But then it wasn’t!”

Show and Go- (noun) An open mic which is not booked, anyone can perform.  “Get out of my way, jerks!  I’m going to a show and go and I can’t be late!” 

Showcase Show- (noun) A show that has many comedians booked.  “I was the sixth comic on the show.  That’s a good spot because the audience is warmed up but not yet hammered.”

Stretch- (verb) Do more time, keep going, tell more jokes.  “The headliner was stuck in traffic behind a Pride Parade, so I had to stretch.”

Tag- (noun) A part of a joke used to get a second or third laugh.  “You could write like, two or three more tags for that joke.  Keep going!  Keep tagging!  And as a person whose never done stand up you should definitely take my advice.”

The Light- (noun) A way the club indicated to the performer that they have one more minute left on stage.  “I kept giving him the light but he just kept talking!  I’m never booking this pirate again!”

The List- (noun) At an open mic, this is where the comics sign up to perform.  “‘Scuse me, I’m just gonna check the list.  Wanna see where I’m going up so lemme just check the list.  Sorry, excuse me, just gonna take a peek at the list.  Been here  twenty minutes, hasn’t been my turn yet, gotta check the list.”

Tight Five- (noun) The best five minutes of material a comic has.  “I went on Letterman and did my tight five.  Then he handed me a million dollar bill for my efforts.  Nice guy, nice guy.”

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